Maybe I'll give blogging another shot...

Well its only been...oh... a year and almost 3 months since my last blog post. And in the interests of it being a brand new year (and one I'm particularly excited about) I thought why not give it another shot? I'm not making it a goal or anything (which I think in and of itself relieves some pressure to try to keep up), but since I enjoy writing, keeping up with the goings on of others and communicating in general, I thought this would be an excellent avenue of choice for just that.

Lists are easy to read, so I'll go with that format today.

Exciting moment of 2011:

1) March - My baby brother's wedding to Tabitha - so happy to have a sweet sister in our family! And she is just wonderful!

2) April - riding my 2nd MS150 - hard but good!

3) April - going on a much awaited first date with Nathan (I'll share more in a bit!)

4) May - my 3rd and toughest year of teaching finishing. I didn't think it would ever end.

5) June - moving into a cute little house with two sweet friends, both named Ashley!

6) June - becoming an "official" couple with Nathan (again - more to come in a little bit!)

7) July - trip #4 to East Asia. I just love that place! Crazy but very sweet trip.

8) September - turning 28 and feeling like I'm getting old!

9) October - celebrating the weddings of 3 sweet friends

10) November - running my first half marathon! I LOVED IT! (and thought I would hate it!)

11) November - buying a new computer. It was much needed and I'm so so glad I did! It has made life a lot easier to have a working computer.

12) December - performing for the 3rd time in Celebration, wearing a tux and tap dancing in the show! Seeing the Lord again work through this performance to touch and change lives I think is my most favorite part though!

13) December - holiday celebrations and parties galore!

14) December - for Christmas, Nathan got tickets for us to go see the Chinese ballet. I've been waiting for 3 years to see that!

15) Watching Baylor have its first Heisman Trophy Winner (RGIII!!), be ranked #12 in the nation in football and watching them (on TV at a fun party!) win their bowl game in fine fashion!`

Eagerly anticipating in 2012:

1) Celebrating the weddings of more sweet friends (including Audrey, a friend I've known since I was 10 and getting to be a bridesmaid in that wedding!)

2) Trip #5 to East Asia in March

3) Reading books - I want to get more in a habit of that because I LOVE to read but dont' get to do it as often as I'd like.

4) Continuing to date Nathan and seeing what the Lord has in store for our relationship.

5) Summer vacation. Its a ways off but I'm excited.

6) My car being paid off! Only 2 more payments left!

Focusing on this year:

1) Deepening - in my walk with and faith in the Lord, in relationships with my friends and family and in my interactions of those I come in contact with in my church, community and work place

2) Organizing - not a strength of mine but something I'm going to challenge myself to be because I highly value organization but have little capacity to actually be that

3) Simplifying - for an overcommitted and super busy person, its easier said than done. But for the above two to happen successfully, this is a must.

And for those of you wondering about Nathan:

1) I said no the first time he asked me out (dumb!) but am so so so glad I reconsidered :0)

2) He is the most humble, patient, encouraging and servant-hearted person I've ever met.

3) We love adventures - doing all those things that you always say you want to do or try but never know who to do it with. It's been fun adventuring with him and we are always planning some new adventure to go on (some real, some not real) :0)

4) He's an engineer and hard-working, very intelligent one at that.

5) We've been dating 6 and half months now and its been a lot of learning, but a very sweet season.

6) I would put a picture, but blogger is being fussy about that. I'll try again another day. But he's very handsome!

The Bridal Series - Introduction

Haha. I know what you are thinking. Why would the heck would someone who hasn't even had a date in several years (yeah, shocking - I know! Haha...j/k) name a blog series to be about something bridal?

Well let me tell you.

Better idea - don't use my words. Use the Word.

"Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her in to the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her... And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the LORD." ~Hosea 2:14, 19-20 (ESV) ~

In a recent somewhat passing conversation, the Lord affirmed something in my heart I think he has been stirring up for a little while now. It has been tremendously impressed upon me how I need to be living as if I were a bride of Christ. In such an intimate love affair with Him that nothing else matters. I really have been struggling with a lot of distractions and some tough issues lately. I was really convicted how little I fear, revere, submit, honor and obey the Lord and how little I regard my relationship with Him, my Creator and Sustainer.

So, since I am a verbal/written processor and I feel it is something we as believers in Christ should be living like, I thought I would start a series on this ever deepening walk with Him.

Currently, I feel like I'm in a season of renewal in my love for Him for the purpose of deepening it. I am excited to know Him and the things of Him. The Word is coming alive and I am beyond excited about prayer. Never been in this place before. And its hard and sometimes requires sacrifice, but oh the merit it has!

I also have realized that when I am focused on Him alone, all else falls into place and He provides in abundance and beyond what I can imagine.

This doesn't come without refinement and pruning - He is revealing some core sin issues that I have allowed to sneak into my life and that need to go. Painful at the very least. Sweet though. Very sweet.

So, join me as I walk this road. Won't you come along too in your own life?

Sin is Crawling in My Kitchen

*Note - these are not actual bugs in my kitchen. This picture is from Google Images!

Well, various types of bugs, really. Most are dead now - a few survivors are still creeping around after an intense battle on Thursday night but I don't think they will last very long. My kitchen in my 1 bedroom apartment is about 8x8 and I have set out 8 plastic roach bait things and 6 roach tablets. Clearly, I wasn't playing around.

And then I got to thinking last night about the bug problem in my dwelling. It is so similar when we allow sin to enter and stay and in the dwelling of our hearts! Here's some application points I thought of while driving down I10:

• Sin, like bugs, is ugly and disgusting and rather difficult to be around.
• The problem started small - just maybe seeing a few bugs scurry around. Annoying, but I thought not too harmful. Then it started to grow. And I ignored it more - mainly because they were gross to deal with and everytime I touched something in the kitchen, I ran the risk of a bug crawling out. Our sin often starts as just a small thing, not too noticeable or effective. But then we ignore it, thinking it will go away, not really adressing where the issue is nesting. And then it becomes such a big problem, that we are afraid to touch it and just let it be.
• I tried to get my apartment people to help. They came 2 times to spray. Other people, while they can pour wisdom into your life cannot fix the problem for you. You have to take action and be vigilantly watching over your heart and guarding it, just like I needed to do a better job in protecting my kitchen.
• I tried a mild bug spray once to try to fix the problem. It failed miserably and in the process almost suffocated my dog. Our sin affects other people (or dogs in this case!) and can be destructive in their lives as well, not just our own.
• At one point earlier this week, I considered ways that I could just stay in my bedroom where there are almost no bugs so I wouldn't have to address the problem going on in the rest of my apartment. Sin tries to isolate and corner us. And it isn't possible to live like that, just like its not possible for me to never leave my bedroom. I have to go in other parts of the apartment. I want my apartment, just like my spirit, to be a place where myself and others feel welcomed, comfortable and refreshed. They can't do that if bugs/sin are crawling everywhere!
• Because the bugs were mainly everywhere in my kitchen, I couldn't cook at all and had little desire to go anywhere near the kitchen. This caused me to want to eat out every single night and then that took a toll on my desire to eat healthy. So basically, sin isn't an isolated occurrence. It can lead us into other sin. I was spending more money than I had budgeted for eating out and I was gaining a little weight because of that.
• I lived in fear of the bugs. They consumed my thoughts sometimes on ways to end their lives. Thats how sin is. It causes us to live in fear and it can consume our thoughts sometimes. Instead of being focused at work or enjoying time with family and friends, I was consumed with thinking about the bugs in my apartment and how to kill them.
• I avoided the situation at all costs. I knew it had to be fixed, but didn't want to deal with it. Thats how we approach sin a lot. We know its wrong and disgusting, but avoiding it just seems like the easier route rather than addressing it head on and ridding ourselves of the impurities that are indwelling.
• The battle for my kitchen was brutal. I spent $30 on cleaning and bug killing materials. I suited up with my purple rubber gloves, sprayed my entire kitchen down with bleach, set far too many roach baits and roach tablets out. And I stayed up til 11pm on a school night to fight this battle. Because I waited to address the issue, the battle was that much harder and cost me in my finances, my time and my energy. Sin is like that. The deeper it takes root and nests in our heart, the harder it is to get rid of and the more it costs us. I feel so much better now that my kitchen is clean, smells like bleach and I can see the carcasses of many bugs dying due to ingestion of whatever chemicals are in those baits and tablets. I am able to live in freedom (well, once the carcasses are cleared), enjoy my kitchen and my dwelling that much more. So much like sin. I can enjoy my dwelling in the presence of the Lord because my sin has been cleansed and removed and I no longer live in fear.

So I know thats an absolutely disgusting illustration, but really sin is disgusting. Think about how the Father sees our sin. So true. If only we would come to hate the things of sin as much as I hate the bugs in my kitchen.

Be blessed!

Bittersweet

Oh my friends. I just returned 5 days ago from my amazing trip to East Asia. I'm so blessed and humbled that the Lord continues to provide ways for me to go back there and that I fall a little more in love with it each time I am there.

That being said, it leaves me with an increasingly bittersweet feeling each time I leave. Do I enjoy returning to my bed, my routine and my comforts of home sweet home? Sure! Who doesn't? At the same time, however, I long for and miss the city and country I never knew I would fall so much in love with.

This trip was amazing. I really loved it. I am so blessed that the Lord put this opportunity before me and made a way to go. On that note, did I ever tell you of how He provided the way completely for me to go? If not, I will now! Its too good not to share.

So, 3 years ago, I was finishing up grad school, which was primarily paid for through loans and grants. Each semester, UNT would send me a check because the total amount of loans and grants I had was greater than all the tuition and fees and such. Well, a few months ago, I get an email from UNT. I hadn't been there in 3 years and honestly don't really have much involvement with them beyond the diploma I possess. I opened the email and it said that in the summer session of 2007, the check they had for me had gotten lost or had never been sent and that they needed to pay me that amount soon or I would lose it. I thought that was great! I had no idea the amount and thought maybe a couple hundred dollars or so since it was just for a summer session. I was a little skeptical too, but proceded nonetheless. At the same time, I knew this trip would be on my dime and I was praying and quickly figuring out ways to save over $2000 I needed for my trip. A few weeks later, the check came in the mail and much to my awe and amazement, the check was for $2500!!! Ya'll - the trip cost $2450. Oh my word. I knew at that point that there should be no doubt in my mind whether I should be returning to East Asia or not. The money basically landed in my lap at the perfect time!

Anyways, back to my trip. This trip was so sweet for a few reasons:
1) Since we were just there to hang out with our friends we had made and there were only four of us on the team, the pace was much much slower. This allowed us to really soak in our surroundings, the culture and really take time to observe how the Lord was working. I wouldn't trade that for anything! If I return to teach English again, it will be hard because I enjoyed this aspect so much!

2) I'm a nut for cultural exchange opportunities and this was truly it. We ate where our friends ate, played the games they play with friends (real MahJong and another really fun card game), saw their city, used public transportation (buses!) and even got to go into one of our friend's homes for a dumpling (jiao zi) making party! Amazing!

3) Because we were soley there to be with our friends, this meant a lot of free time to invest in their lives and see how they live and maybe why some of them have the outlook on life that they do.

4) There were some really deep, meaningful , Spirit-filled conversations that took place and I just love that. These conversations, whether I participated or just listened and prayed, keep playing in my head. Its amazing to watch one's countenance when they first encounter Truth and I just love that!

I could go on for hours about the trip and show you my pictures (I actually took some this time - close to 200! That's a miracle for me!).

For now, I will continue to pray for the country and for my friends there and am eagerly seeking opportunities to return, Lord willing!

"For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations." ~Isaiah 61:11~

Summer 2010

Oh wow. Too long between blog posts, I know. But during the year, my life is rather hectic and then I lose a lot of motivation to do much of anything during the summer/recovery time. But in case you've been wondering where I'm at, here it is in category and list format (I may have gotten some of my father's engineering brain in me - but if I truly had that, wouldn't it all be on an excel spreadsheet??)

What I have done this summer:

• Cleaned/purged/organized/decorated my apartment - its so nice not living in a setting that stresses me out because of the mess I created.
• Met with friends for lunch, breakfast, ice cream, coffee, dinner, etc. and just caught up on life with them. My dream job would be to spend all day just listening to people do life and walking with them. Summers allow me to do that dream job a little bit.
• Prayed and spent a lot of time in the Word. Such true refreshment.
• Spent more time with my family than I normally do.
• Spent time alone - very rare for me. Being a true extrovert, this can be hard but its been sweet and refining. The Lord uses my summers to sit me down, do business, refine, sift and speak to me because honestly, and frustratingly, I don't do this very well during the rest of the year.
• Prepared for a return trip to East Asia! Its been a lot of work (more than I ever expected) to get this set up, but its been good. I'm really thankful for my co-leader, Philip and the rest of our team and can't wait to see what the Lord is going to do in our trip.
• Missed my friends that were out of town, out of country, busy with work, etc. but prayed for them in that and excited for what the Lord is doing in their lives.
• Had a mini reunion with friends from Saudi I hadn't seen in like 11 years. I didn't know what to expect going in and was a little nervous, but I enjoyed reconnecting with my childhood and the part of me not many people know too much about or understand.
• Went dancing (two-stepping) a lot! I enjoy this a lot and want to become better at it. Maybe some lessons in the near future? Anyone want to join me??
• Started a new budget - the first month is going pretty well with only a few minor slip ups!
• Started training for a half-marathon. Yes, you read that right. And I know you still don't believe me.
• Walked through Ruth with the girls in my Sunday school class. Still in progress. So great.

Things I have yet to do this summer but am planning on:

• Finish sewing my curtains. Yes, they were on my list last year too. Don't judge.
• Going to the beach or a waterpark.
• Run an entire 5K. I am up to running 2 miles straight and then doing intervals for the rest. The heat is not helping in my running endeavors. But having sweet, encouraging trainers and friends is!
• Return to East Asia - coming up Friday! Excited doesn't even begin to describe my sentiments on this!
• Go to Glorietta, New Mexico on a leadership retreat - I am so thankful for this opportunity and can't wait for all the fun and relaxation that will be had. And its like the cheapest vacation ever - used miles for airline tickets and am only paying $75 for everything else!
• Creating materials for my classroom - for my blind student and for my SmartBoard. I started my lesson plan overview for the year the other day and am really going to hit it hard when I return from China. I don't want to be in too much of panic mode before August 23. We'll see.

Things the Lord has taught me recently:

• I need to be a woman of my word. Flaky-ness has gotten me by to this point, but I really don't like it. If I say I am going to do something, I need to follow through and be reliable and trustworthy. If I don't plan on doing something, I don't need to say it.
• Love is not something you give back once you've received it. I need to love, regardless of whether I have been shown it first or not. Acceptance and approval have been major issues in my life, but they need not define how I love others. True love is selfless and doesn't expect a return. See 1 Corinthians 13.
• I need to stop playing it safe. As a recovering perfectionist, I only like to do what I know works and will be successful. I sometimes have good, risky ideas for ministry, life, work, etc. but because there lies an element of potential failure, I tend to back away. Since when did the Lord call us to fear and timidity? So in my life, my ministry and my vocation, I really want to start stepping up, making changes, taking risks and pushing others to do the same. Even if I do fail or mess up, there are lessons of great worth in that and I need to relish those moments.

Au bientot!

Putting the bad days at work in perspective...

But first, some highlights from the past couple of weeks:

*Mosaic Women's Retreat - so amazing! Just watching the Lord working in women's lives is such a passion and joy of mine. And I just completely felt the words of the Spirit speaking through me as I taught/facilitated which is an amazing and humbling feeling!

*Watching the China team form and seeing daily provisions for this exciting opportunity!

*Performing in the Summit Variety Show! I was in a really powerful drama playing the part of a demon (perfect for me, don't ya' think??) and I got to....are you ready for this.....TAP DANCE!!! Too much fun! I think it all went pretty well too :0)

*Inspiration at work - even though it is difficult some days, I've felt really inspired lately as far as ideas for my classroom - activities, lessons, behavior plans, etc. I love creativity!

*Softball is coming soon! Hip hip hooray!


Okay and now a quote that will put any bad day or week or year at work in perspective. I found it in a good book I am reading (The Rest of God by Mark Buchanan)

"When you have had one of those take-this-job-and-shove-it days, try this. On your way home, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by the Q-tip Company. Be sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change into something comfortable, such as a sweat suit, and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer, remove it, and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer. As you read, notice in small print this statement: 'Every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is personally tested.' Close your yes. Say out loud five times, 'Thank you, oh thank you, that I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip Company.'"

Bahhahaha!!!!

"Yeah, I'm just clumsy..."

You would think saying that maybe like once a week would be fairly normal. Try 4 times in the past 5 days! Good grief. This is not my week for being graceful.

*I tripped down some stairs and landed with a thud at Bible study on Thursday night in the middle of a serious conversation after returning from the bathroom (always even more awkward when people know exactly where you are coming from!). I had tripped over the cuff of my own pants.

*I have a blister on my left foot from my tap shoe, so while practicing, I took off the left shoe so as to not rub the blister any more. In doing that, I managed to stomp on my left big toe with my right tap shoe, taking some skin off, shedding some blood and leaving a nice purple bruise.

*On Sunday night, I was teaching part of class at Sunday Bible study. I had been sitting on a tall chair while I talked because I was sore from bike riding that morning. As I was finishing up talking, I got down off the chair. As I was doing that, I somehow pulled the chair down with me, turned around to catch it and it landed on my left foot, leaving another nice purple bruise. At least no one will forget what I talked about now! I went out with a bang...literally!

*Tonight, while heading out to go out to dinner, a guy was coming up the stairs in front of my apartment. I stepped to one side to let him past and started down the stairs. Well, tripped down them and landed in the grass is a better phrase for that. And leaving some nice scrapes on the top of my right foot.


Welcome to the life of Lara.

Busy little bee!

Hey friends!

So I was planning on blogging tonight anyways and Chels so nicely reminded me it was time, so I guess I'd better do it even though it is waaaayyyy past my bed time.

I have been very busy but very excited lately!

Some cool things I have done lately:
Started MS150 training (I feel like a turtle right now!)
Fed some homeless in downtown Houston (can't wait for that again!)
Tap danced (preparing for the variety show next month!)
Was one of 5 teachers (the only special ed one though!) on my campus to have a proposal accepted to have an interactive whiteboard installed in my classroom (coming sometime next month!)
Prayed for Haiti
Worked the Missions Expo at church and got to tell people about Ch*na


Some cool things coming up:
More MS150 training
Variety show (assuming we make it in the tryouts!)
Preparation meetings for Ch*na (it gets more exciting all the time!)
Possible trip to Syria/Lebanon in the summer!
My class' Women's Retreat (in the planning stages now - its gonna be so great! Have I mentioned how much I still love getting to be a part of women's ministry!?!?)
Softball season!


Some things to be praying for:
Rest and being filled by the Holy Spirit during that time
Financial provision for Ch*na, MS150 and possibly Syria/Lebananon
Women's Retreat
My job and my attitude towards it (more on this later)
Haiti
Ch*na team
My parents' health - nothing serious right now
Kyle's actuary exams


What is going on in your life?

Spin class is hard...sometimes life is too

So my journey to riding my biggest bicycle ride thus far (the MS150 in April) has begun this week.

It has not been easy. My Sunday ride was FREEZING! I rode decently but came back and laid under a blanket and shook for 30-45 minutes after the ride. My dad doesn't get cold often either and even he was chilled to the bone. I told him I wasn't riding in the cold anymore until we went to the bicycle shop and found some more appropriate winter riding attire.

I went to spin class tonight. The first 20 minutes were dreadful! My lungs started hurting and I felt rather nauseated. Not a good way to start! The last 40 minutes were challenging but I didn't feel quite so miserable as I had started out.

I am putting everything I am doing for training in my planner so I can see my progress. Hopefully, when there is more than 2 entries, it will encourage me to press on and feel confident that I am capable of this seemingly monstrous challenge.

In other news, do you ever have those days/weeks where you feel like everything you say is wrong? In the past 2 days, in conversations with close friends, it seemed like everything I said, the person I was with found something wrong with it. I don't know if it is me with a wrong heart attitude or if its my friends and for some reason it all just piled up, but its frustrating and discouraging nonetheless. I've really been praying through and checking my heart because I just feel awful. Or maybe its all things I am making up in my mind that seem like a big deal but are not. I don't know.

One thing you can pray for is my attitude at work. I don't know what the deal is. I almost cried today because I didn't want to be there. Weird. I mean, the first days back are hard, but I've never felt like this before. I was glad to see my kids and receive hugs from them, but otherwise I just hated today and my job and what I do.

Anyways, I like being back at blogging. Sharing life with others, both theirs and mine, is a passion of my heart, so I like this and I like you! Much love!

Twenty ten

Hey!

So, one of my few New Year's Resolutions: blog once a week :0) Get excited.

Some things to be excited about in the coming year:
*Co-leading a return to trip to Ch*na
*Riding in the MS150 in April
*Kyle just moved back to Houston, so adventures with my brother will be plentiful
*Finishing year 2 of teaching
*Possible trip to Syria in June
*Weddings of friends

Each year, one of my friends and I (I'll keep her name private...to protect the innocent) have a rhyme about our singlehood. It started in '08. Here they are with this new one:
*Get a date in '08 (didn't happen for either of us)
*Make him mine in '09 (still didn't happen)
*Find some men in the year of '10 (maybe this year will be our luck year???)

Haha. I'll keep you posted on how our rhyme works out this year.

What are your exciting plans for the new year?

Overheard in the special ed class...

C (my student): I can't wait to get married!

Me: Why do you want to get married, C?

C: So I can live with her!

Me: Why do you want to live with her?

C: Because she is sooo cute!

Me: Why do you think she is cute?

C: Because she is so nice all the time.

Me: What is her name?

C: Um, um, um....I can't really remember.



I love my sweet, special little friends. The little boy I had this conversation with is about the most precious thing ever! Its conversations like the one above that just make my day! I just had to share.

First day of school! First day of school!

Now if only I could have the kind of energy and enthusiasm that Nemo exudes about returning to school! Don't get me wrong - I am excited for my kids to come. But nervous too... we shall see how tomorrow goes. I can't believe it is here. I think it will be a good one. My kids seem a little more busy than my ones last year, so I think I will be very busy and very tired. But they seem endearing each in their own way. I've met 3 of them and they all have very cute little personalities in their own right. Hopefully I will remember that when they are giving me a run for my money :0)

So it seems that I feel inspired to blog about once a month. Actually, I feel inspired far more often than that, but am easily distracted and only seem to put my inspiration into action about that once a month. Just think how much I could get accomplished if I put my inspiration into action every time I was inspired to do something, not just blogging. Goodness.

This past month has been...trying. And I can't really pin it to one event or moment, but I just feel like I'm struggling to stay afloat. Thank goodness the Lord is there to do the treading for me. I've just been kind of uncharacteristically blue and melancholy and am unsure why. But one thing it has done is that is has forced me to press into Him, constantly turning each thought and action over to Him. I think some refining and pruning is probably taking place. I think its been hard to because I feel like its over the same stuff I've always battle and have seen Him victorious over it in my life before. Frustrating! Right now, I'm in a week or two of pulling back from my normal activity level so I can rest, be filled and listen to His sweet voice guide, comfort, soothe and discipline me. Its hard because I am having to give up that control that I like to hold onto so often, but it is sweet...sweetly broken. Now you know where the name of my blog comes from. Because its in these seasons that I've been in before where I am just hurting and crying out but it is sweet like nothing else.

Anyways. This summer was good. I am sad and happy see it come to a close. I enjoyed the freedom, the abundant relationship-building opportunities, the ability to be spontaneous and the physical rest it brought. But I missed the structure and routine I so often crave, the ability to minister to my sweet special ones and just feeling like a real adult. Having summers off is definitely something that makes me regress into a much younger pattern. But its good. I haven't had a summer off since I was a senior in high school, so I liked it. And it will come again. After the next nine months of hard work.

Something I have been pondering lately is confidence and honesty. Several close friends have semi-confronted me with my inability to be honest about how I feel about things sometimes. Like I'm hiding. And that really bothers me. I hate that I revert to that hiding from others. And a lot of it stems from a lack of confidence in who He has created me to be and where He has placed me for this season. I hate that I am not confident of His creation and His purpose. I think part of it stems for that perfectionist drive that I can't seem to shake but know it is far from attainable for me. Ugh. I want to be confident. I want to be honest. I want His light to be able to shine through me in that, whether I'm doing right or wrong. But if I am hiding and not allowing others to see that, that is a far worse thing, I feel. But it keeps me humble - one thing I pray for daily.

Okay, so that was a long and rambly post. I'm just pensive. Thinking things over and over. Allowing Him to sift my thoughts. Today I was reading in Proverbs and came to the part where it said that it talks about all mans' ways being laid out before Him. I like that. Its scary, but good. He works in that.

Well, I am off to church tonight. Have a blessed week, especially to all my fellow teachers who are going to greet their sweet/sometimes not-so-sweet ones as they file out of cars, buses and off the crosswalks. Love!

Hot days in July

Hey friends (whether real or virtual)!

How are things? Summer life has been good. Hot but good. Htown has been blessed with some rain over the past few days, which while it is still muggy and hot, at least it is some much-needed moisture for our parched city!

Here's life these past few weeks:

1. Houston Project - Every year, my church does this city-wide missions event where we partner with churches around the city who are in low-income areas and help to support them and make connections within their communities. This is my 2nd year to participate and I loved it. Last year, I was the VBS coordinator for the site we were at, but this year I decided to take on a different kind of role and it was amazing. I served on the prayer team and got to spend each evening just praying over the church, the VBS classrooms, the community, etc. and getting to watch God move in big ways through that. I've been really pressed lately to step up my prayer life lately, so this was one way I could do that and oh my word, I know this, but HE IS FAITHFUL! Wow. On the last night of the week, I took on a role that I really wasn't expecting to take on, nor did I want to - I DROVE THE BUS! A little known secret about me is that I have commerical driver's license from my tour guide days at BU. Well, sometimes your friends leak your secrets and you end up driving enormous buses with really small engines on the streets of Houston. Eek! It was good though. Totally covered in prayer, I gave my tremendous anxiety about this to the Lord and He saw me through it safely and smoothly. Here is the picture proof below:

2. Small group - I've been co-leading a small group for some of the girls in my Bible study class and it has been such a good blessing. I just feel like over the weeks, we have begun to be real and deep and encouraging with each other and that is such a blessing. Women can be super mean to each other, so it is a refreshing blessing to have this and the material we are going through (Me, Myself and Lies by Jennifer Rothschild) is kicking my butt and make me wrestle and squirm with a lot of issues in my heart and mind. Its painful at times, but I love it!

3. Time with friends - This is the first time since high school that I haven't worked a summer. The rest and the freedom and the time to spend on relationships has been good. I've gotten to go do some really fun things, have spent maybe a little too much money, but I have thoroughly enjoyed myself. I didn't get done everything I wanted to for this summer, but oh well. I still have 2 weeks - haha! I need to start getting myself back into work mentality so I can be ready for the newness that awaits me for this year.

4. Living alone - still going okay. I kinda get spooked at times and get bored at times, but I like it overall. Just an adjustment. I still wish I had a backyard for Ella but I try to take her out a lot when I am home. I just need to be cautious not to be out too much, so she doesn't get lonely! Poor thing.

I think that is it for now. The Lord has been doing some neat things this summer and I love it. How has your summer been going?

Cooking ahead of time

Attention all kitchen-masters/kitchen master wannabes!

So, in an attempt to make my life easier during the school year, I am looking for recipes that freeze well in single serving sizes. I would like to cook a lot this summer and then fill my freezer with homemade frozen dinners. I despise Lean Cuisines but enjoy the ease they bring to life, so why not do that for myself? I so far just have baked macaroni and cheese with veggies mixed in and thats good. Any ideas that are budget-friendly, healthy lifestyle-friendly and tasty? My macaroni and cheese is made with whole wheat noodles, low fat ingredients and frozen vegetables mixed in. Its a little bland, but I add a little salt of other flavoring and it isn't too bad. I will probably do some sort of soup (I have a really great recipe for chicken tortilla soup) soon as well. What are your ideas? I'm really trying to not eat out, but sandwiches are hard for me to do every night. And I love love love cooking, so I want to get that out now while I have the time to invest in it.

Anyways, let me know your ideas. Love you!

In the summertime..

...it is hot!

You'd think growing up in one of the hottest desserts on earth, I'd be okay with our Houston summers, but goodness, it is awful! I am ready for winter to come back now. I love sweaters and blankets and all things cuddly. None of that is good in 105 degree heat. If electricity weren't so expensive, I would turn down my AC just so I could wear that stuff.

Anyways, here's what I have been up to this past month or so:

• Moving into my new apartment and spending lots of money to get it set up - I had nothing besides my bedroom furniture and a papasan chair! I do like living by myself, but it does get a little boring at times, especially since I am not having TV, but I think it is a good thing.
• Spending lots of time with favorite people - I don't always get to do this when I am working, but I am getting to do lunch dates and coffee and see movies and lay out and stay out way late and I love it.
• Women's retreat in San Antonio - it was a blast! I love planning stuff like that and hope to do it again soon!
• Working out - I'm semi-attempting to do Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred and its going okay when I do it. Its a tough 20 minutes! I'm not even joking. But I do mix it up with personal training, kickbox classes and volleyball with friends.
• Reading - oh the love of my life! I miss it when I don't have time for it!
• Small group - we are doing some exciting things in our women's small groups this summer and I just love how the Lord is moving and working in the lives of the women.

Here's what I hope to do for the rest of the summer:

• Lesson plans and making materials for next year. I don't particularly want to, but know it will make my life much much easier starting out in August with my new campus and new sweet ones!
• Sewing curtains - no progress has been made here, but I really want to do it!
• Take one more road trip - not sure where or when, but I want to go! Maybe not sitting still for 1.5 hours on I-10 again, though. That wasn't fun.
• Cooking and baking - done some, but want to do more! I love it!
• Time with old friends - Jenny, Audrey, Mina, etc. I get really busy with my friends from church, but I really want to be intentional about spending time with some of my oldest and most precious friends!
• Lose a little more weight - vain, but summer is the best time for me to do it because I really have no excuse for lack of time!
• Astros games - I'm going to one tomorrow, but really want to go to more!
• Finish all the projects I've previously started but never finished!

Okay, I'll do a more indepth post next time. How are your summers going? Love you!

Last Day of the First Year

Oh my. Today at 12:40, I packed up my sweet little ones and put them on the bus for the very last time this year. We gave hugs. We said goodbye. I wished them well at their new school, which they just smiled sweetly and said "ok, Ms. Stewart", not really comprehending what the phrase "new school" means or even that they will not be coming to school tomorrow. Such is the life of a cognitively challenged child. I slowly walked back to my classroom full of like 50 boxes, trying not to cry (I didn't - so proud of me!).

Today was bittersweet. What a sense of accomplishment I am feeling for making it to the finish line of my first year of teaching. I am ready for summer. I am ready for rest. I am ready to do all those things on my to do list that I have been meaning to do since 10 months ago. I am ready to see friends that I have put off for lack of time.

But I was not ready to see these precious spirits who have slowly worked their way around my heart this past year get on that bus and go. And you know, I didn't become attached until right before I was told I wouldn't be getting them back next year. Even on the most horrible of days with them, I still love them and love investing in them and watching them grow and seeing the small successes that everyone else wouldn't consider anything noteworthy.

I wish I could post their pictures so you could see R, E, O, S and H's sweet faces. You know, a lot of teachers have a favorite, but I don't think I could have picked one this year. Each of them had their endearing and not-so-endearing qualities. They all were my favorites. I guess it is good I only had 5 students!

And you know, I never thought I would love teaching as much as I do. I NEVER saw myself as a teacher growing up, in college or even in grad school. I knew I loved my special kiddos, but teaching them was not what I saw for myself. I am so joyful and grateful that the Lord saw differently.

I'm excited about next year and the changes and the new bunch of sweet faces it brings. I am sad that this unexpected change of campuses occurred, but there are just some job hazards in special education that you can't do anything about. Change and movement is one of them and I unfortunately fell victim to it, but I guess its a lot easier now than it would be 2-3 years from now when I was even more attached to the kids.

Anyways, I just wanted to reflect for you a little on one of the biggest, hardest, most challenging, joyful years thus far in my 25 and some odd months of life.

Much love and look for more posts soon because posting more often is on that to do list from 10 months ago when I got myself into this!

Flooding and cute cartoons

I thought this was super cute. I found it on a friend's blog. I unexpectedly am off work today because of major major flooding in my area. I've never seen anything like it before. I'm just waiting now to be able to get out of my neighborhood. My area is getting a lot of attention on the news because we seemed to have been hit the hardest. Yikes. You know its bad when all the area school districts have closed schools on a major TAKS testing day. Oi vey.

Well, go to www.awomansworld.com and make your own cute character. I thought this one was fairly close to me, except they didn't have any cute short curly hair...just one that looked like a fro/mop. So I am wearing straight hair.

Have a lovely day! More exciting blog posts coming soon...I've been storing up my thoughts!

I'm in love....

....with China!

Sorry. That was a mean trick. I missed April Fool's so I thought I'd get a quick trick in.

Anyways, now that I have been back 2 weeks, I decided it was high time for an update. Leading up to this trip, life was just hard. Not neccessarily bad - just hard. The week before, I felt very heavily spiritually attacked and was kind of anxious going into up until about 2 days before the trip. However, once we got there that all left and wow...what a trip. The biggest thing I can say is that I never have observed the power of the Lord work in such a mighty way in such a concentrated amount of time. I just don't have the words to describe it. I loved my English students and getting to share life and Jesus with them. They were so eager and so hungry and it was just amazing. I can't wait to go back! And I'm not even playing. I was kind of waiting for the high to come down, but as it comes down, I still miss it terribly there. I was not ready to leave the Sunday we left. I could sit down and write all the details of the trip but that would be a tremendously long post and a lot to type. Maybe I'll do it bit by bit on here. But I feel like when I say I will write things on here, I never do it. So no promises. Just know that my heart is in China right now, not where I expected it to be.

Hope y'all are doing well! Blessings!

Battles

So I just got back from my church singles retreat this weekend. Fun times were had - sunburns, softball, 80s prom dresses, sweet friends and the Holy Spirit. It doesn't get much better than that. Staying up til 2am on a nightly basis is not the norm for me, but I sucuumb to peer pressure far too easily and was up way way way late both nights there. And up by 7 or 7:30 each morning. Ugh. Bed time tonight will be roughly 8:30, if I make it that long. I have to sleep tonight or this week will be a nightmare!

Anyways, something thats been on my mind recently. Do you ever just feel like your life is kind of in battle mode on all fronts? I just have been fighting that feeling a lot lately. Even keeping my room clean is a battle of major proportions. Between the retreat, getting ready for the wedding I'm in this weekend, work and China, my room literally looks like a bomb went off in it. I hate it and it stresses me out, but the motivation to keep it clean is very low.

Work feels like a battle too. Its one thing after another. I feel like I am never quite doing anything right or I am always missing something that I should have known but no one mentioned to me. Every day I get emails stating, "Ms. Stewart, you need to take care of this." or "Ms. Stewart, you were supposed to do this." I get phone calls too. Its so frustrating to feel like you are working so hard for your students yet getting nowhere. I know without a doubt that this is where the Lord wants me right now, but it feels yuck right now.

Ministry is a battle right now. I just feel like I am never doing enough for the people I am supposed to be ministering too. I didn't feel worthy of this position when I was asked to do it and still don't feel like it, but for whatever reason, the Lord has chosen to use me here and now. I just wish I felt more confident in doing it. Not prideful. I still want to maintain a spirit of humility and servanthood. I just wish I felt like I knew more of what I was doing and more of a Godly woman to be able to do this job. I love it a lot, but it is hard.

Along those lines, relationships feel like a battle too. New ones. Old ones. I feel like I haven't had a deep conversation in weeks, something I crave. Depth is lacking and I don't like it. I don't know if it is I don't have the time to invest or others don't have the time or a combination of the both, but it is hurting. I was at the retreat this weekend, prime time for relational development and I just had this lack of desire to reach out and invest time in those relationships. I wanted to be lazy. I stuck around people I don't have to make much of an effort with because relating to them is easy. I felt ugly about that. I don't like when I'm like that. I was in hiding and reverting back to grounds that the Lord has given me victory in my life. Yuck.

I am leaving for China in 12 days and my previous excitement about that has kind of faded and I hate that. I don't want this amazing opportunity to fall in my battle category as well, but sadly it is. Maybe as the day draws nearer, I will feel more excited but right now the last minute details are eating at me. Yuck.

Lastly, contentment is a battle. Why can't I just be okay with God and where He has me and what He is doing? And go with the flow on it? Yes, I know I should always have a certain holy dissatisfaction with myself, but I should not have that with God. And that feels ugly too be discontent. He is enough - always has been always will be. Why can't I allow Him to convince me of that? Hasn't He done enough? He paid it all, after all.

So I'm ready for life to stop being such a battle. I just feel like I'm stuck in the mud and not moving anywhere and low on motivation to do so. Ew. Do y'all ever feel this way? Especially when you feel like your life is richly blessed and yet still struggle like this? Double ew.

Look alikes?

Several people have told me like in the past week that I look like the actress Gillian Anderson (aka Scully from XFiles). One guy told me he was trying to decide if he should ask for my autograph...haha. What's your vote? Does she look like me? I hope this is a good thing!