Holy Moly!

Ok so I have a big decision coming up. Last night I was talking to my advising professor and she informed me that I needed to decide where I wanted to my internship in the fall and to base that decision on where I wanted to work (the internship is likely to lead into a job). I knew I would have to decide closer to December where I wanted to live but turns out I don't have that long. I need to start making contacts for my internship site pretty soon here. Basically, she told me have it decided before May. So basically, I need to decide where I want to live by then. Eeekkk! If you know me at all, you know that decision-making is not one of my strengths. Here are my options thus far:

1) Stay in the DFW area. I don't particularly like the area but I like the church I am going to.

2) Move back to Houston. I hadn't considered this option previously, but its sounding a bit better than it used to despite my disdain for Houston. I would be close to my parents (maybe living with them for a few months), there are good churches in the area and I would have some friends there as well.

3) Take a risk and move somewhere random (Colorado, California, whatever).

Anybody got any brilliant ideas? Just pray that God would reveal to me where He wants me and I would be open and willing to follow. I wouldn't hate ending up in any of those places but I just don't know what is right for me at this time in my life.

In other news, I got a phone call and email today informing me that the trip to China I had applied to go on was full. So, although I could resubmit my application for a later trip, that is not in the cards right now. I'm not that upset because I knew God would place me there if He wanted me there.

In very exciting news, my baby brother just got accepted as a Big Brother for KXA! Oh he is going to be so wonderful at it!

Anyways, I really need to go to bed. The kids at work are wearing me out this week so I need all the sleep I can get!

Wishy washy

Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

~ 1 Corinthians 15:58 ~

Something I've been challenged more than ever with this year is standing firm and being who God has created me to be. I just feel like that while I'm trying to please God and live a life worthy of the calling, I simultaneously live a life that is aimed at pleasing man and fitting in. I change who I am to fit in with whoever I am with. I pretend to like things that I don't, I change my accent depending on where I'm living (something I've done since age 3), and I say things that I don't mean. But I guess what really gets me is that I don't stand firm in my faith. I pretend like its not a big deal when I'm with some people and act like its the biggest deal when I'm with others. Faith isn't about pleasing or impressing others. It bothers me that at work that they don't think I take my Christian faith as seriously as I do. I hide it. Why!?!?! So I can fit in and not stick out. Gross. I'm very good at playing the part of the chameleon. On one hand, thats a strength meaning I'm adaptable to whatever situation I'm in. However, I think it is definetely a weakness because I don't stand firm in what I do and don't believe. No one knows who Lara really is - they just know whatever face I put on for them. And its funny because something I admire most in others is authenticity and genuineness. I want honesty from others but don't live up to that expectation myself. I want people to appreciate me for what God has created me to be, imperfections and all. I sometimes wonder if (slash know) that is why I struggle with moving to a new place and meeting new people. And also why I've never had a serious relationship past a month and a half. I want to be comfortable with me and not care whether its pleasing others or not. Why do I have this overwhelming obsession with appearing perfect and pleasing to man even though I know I'm not and know it is displeasing to God?

Again, a bunch of random thoughts thrown together. But on my heart nonetheless.

Happy March everyone!

Awake!

Awakening Chorus

Awake awake! and sing the blessed story;
Awake awake! and let your song of praise arise;
Awake awake! the earth is full of glory,
And light is beaming from the radiant skies;
The rocks and rills, the vales and hills resound with gladness,
All nature joins to sing the triumph song.

The Lord Jehovah reigns and sin is backward hurled!
Rejoice rejoice! lift heart and voice, Jehovah reigns!
Proclaim His sov'reign pow'r to all the world,
And let His glorious banner be unfurled! Jehovah reigns!
Rejoice rejoice rejoice! Jehovah reigns.

Ring out! ring out! O bells of joy and gladness!
Repeat, repeat, a new the story o'er again,
Till all the earth shall lose its weight of sadness,
And shout anew the glorious refrain;
With the angels in the heights sing of the great Salvation,
He wrested from the hand of sin and death.
______________________________________________

I really love old hymns. We sang this at church last night (in a more modern version) and I thought it was beautiful so I am sharing it now.

Anyways, I've been thinking about going to China for 10 days in June with my church and am still unsure whether or not I should apply. I sent an email to the Missions Pastor at church, but since his wife is having/had a baby, I am still waiting on his reply. Here's what I asked him:

1) What specific activities is the team involved in? I know on the website it says relationship building and the like, but is it working with the coffee shop that the Village has there or in some other capacity?

2) How much training is involved and when would the trainings be? I work during the days and attend class two nights out the week, so before I turn in my application, I need to be sure I can actually make the whole commitment.

3) Here's my biggest question and what I'm battling with the most. I grew up overseas (Saudi Arabia) from age 0-15 and traveled extensively during that time. Because of that, I have a very strong passion for traveling and like to go anywhere basically. I'm not sure if I really am called to this trip or if I just want to travel. I would hate to be signing up with alterior motives that are not aimed at serving God, but rather at serving myself. I do have a passion for missions and feel called to be invovled in missions in some capacity, but am I really called this time or just wanting to travel? I know you can't answer that question for me, but I thought maybe you might have some wise words of guidance for me.

4) Does one need to be a covenant member of The Village in order to be eligible for serving on a team? I have been actively attending the village since June '06 and sincerely do want to become a covenant member. However, during the fall, my class schedule prevented me from joining a Home Group, which is a requirement for membership eligibility. I am currently trying to find a group (haven't found one just yet) but my heart is definetely passionate about serving at The Village and being involved in ministry there.

I've been praying over those questions a lot and still haven't really felt a strong pull one way or the other. The prospect of going to China and ministering there excites me, but I don't know if I am called. I have a peace that God will take care of whatever obstacles are in my path (money, classes, work obligations, etc.) but part of that is I know He has done it before, and if He wants me to go, will do it again. If anyone has any thoughts or guidance, feel free to let me know!

Anyways, I had a lot of thoughts to put down here, but nothing coherent comes to mind right now. I'm off to lunch with my buddy Jenni!

Lots of love and God bless!

As of late...

So I've had good intentions of posting but somewhere in the shuffle of life, updating my blog ranks pretty low on the priority list of things to get done. So here's what has been happening as of late:

• I got a dog for Christmas! Her name is Ella (after Ella Fitzgerald - she sings!). She is a 3-4 year old Siberian Husky who is very sweet and affectionate with lots of energy and enthusiasm. Ella and Gibson (Ashley, my roomate's dog) are getting along pretty well unless one takes the other's bone and they get in a fight (leaving a nice bite mark on my hand from an attempt to break it up). There's a picture of her at the bottom of this post.


• Work is going ok. I'm still working at the elementary school as a special education assistant. I love my kids (they have their moments, however) and I really will miss them next year, especially my little girl with Down' Syndrome, Alexis. I have a strong love-hate relationship with her (its mutual) but she is teaching me as much as I'm teaching her. My co-workers are doing ok, but are sometimes more frustrating than the kids. I don't know if its just the school I work at or its this way everywhere, but everyone seems to be so catty, gossipy and sometimes vindictive. It can be a very hostile environment some days. Luckily though, my lunch time has been pushed back a little bit so I will be eating lunch with one of my closer work buddies, Melissa. What a blessing :0)


• Still thinking about what I want to be when I "grow up"/finish my Masters. Right now, I'm leaning towards Early Childhood Intervention/Child Development Specialist. It would be a good job allowing me to work with the population I want (disabled/special needs children and their families) and some flexibility to move where I want (who knows where that is!?!?). I was thinking along the lines of working in camps for children with disabilities, but I think I may get some experience first and then work my way into that area or even start my own camp (a family camp maybe?). Mainly, I'm just focusing on drawing near to God and letting Him do the guiding and moving, because we all know my ability to make decisions is limited at best. This curent leaning towards this path could be different in a week, but thats ok. I still have until mainly this summer to decide (I graduate in December and need to do an internship/field experience in the fall semester).


• Over the Christmas break and continuing on now, God has been working on several areas of my heart. The main area is worry/anxiety because it without a doubt is my biggest problem. Its something that often controls me and prevents me from a lot. Its something I tell myself constantly that I don't need to be doing, but yet its always there and difficult to escape for me. If only I could just let all go and let God take the reigns. But as many times as I say it and earnestly want to do just that, I never seem to be able to lay it all at Christ's feet. Anxiety/worry is a sin that others might not see in you because it isn't as external as it is internal. I don't seem to struggle as much (I do struggle though...dont' get me wrong) with external sins as I do with internal ones that somehow, I tend to keep well hidden most of the time in fear of seeming imperfect (another battle of mine). I need like an anxiety alert that goes off so others can see it and call me on it. Oy vey. Other areas God is faithfully working on are patience, living and seeing beauty in the present (not focusing so much on the future), being closed off to God, family and friends, fear (another one He is constantly trying to work on in me), fakeness and being critical of myself and others.


• One thing that often is at the back of my mind (and occassionally the front as well) is my future husband. I often find myself daydreaming about even just having a boyfriend, planning my wedding and so on. I think a lot of single women my age fall into this daydream trap. While its fine to think about it, it isn't okay to live for it. I think the environment/culture I'm in puts a lot of pressure towards getting married and starting life. I went to my church in Houston over the Christmas break and it was overwhelming in that sense. There are 3 girls younger than me who are married and have babies, 2 who are expecting their first baby and about 10 more who are about to get married. When you talk to these girls and explain to them that you are single and have no real prospects, they look at you like you are from a foreign country and possibly have something wrong with you because of the lack of diamonds on your ring finger. A lot of people do it at that church. Not everyone, but a lot. Its like if you aren't engaged by 20 and pregnant by 21, you missed the boat. You are the fat kid in the dodgeball game in elementary school. I know I'm not those things and haven't missed any boat, but its hard walking into an environment that seems to be somewhat of a marriage and/or baby farm. Graduating from Baylor (Ring by Spring capital of the world) probably didn't help much either. I often have to step back and remind myself that I'm only 23 and have a lot of life left to live and do things with. I have a very strong desire to get married and have a family, but is it really so bad to wait until you are 25, 26 or maybe even later? ( I would prefer not to wait that long, but maybe God wants to do something with me during that time to glorify Him). There are lots of women my age and older who are single and perfectly normal. I need to remind myself that some of the environments I feel pressure from aren't "normal" in every situation/place. I'm just tired of being pressured to be in such a rush to "start life" when I think my life is fine and is growing. Often easier said than done in terms of where my heart lies sometimes, but the truth.

Anyways, it was a long post, but its a cold, rainy, icy Sunday afternoon, so it was a good time to spend some time sharing what was on my heart. Hope everyone is well!

God bless!

J-E-L-L-O

So there's something I've been wondering since 4th grade when we first learned about the differences between liquids, solids and gases in Science class.

Is Jello a liquid or a solid?

My dad maintains that from an science/engineering perspective, it is a type of liquid (I forget the big word he used). However, many websites have suggested that at different temperatures, it is a different type of matter. What do you think?

Birthday cake and more!

This weekend has been pretty fun. On Friday night, I went to the Village Singles Christmas Shindig. It was ok. Kinda awkward, but still fun. When you walked in, you got assigned to a group (ie - being separated from your buddies) and that was your scavenger hunt group. The people in my group were nice, but I probably will never see them again as they go to different services or different churches, so yeah. Oh well. The only way you meet people and develop relationships is to get out there. One exciting gain from the evening is that I saw people I worked at Sky Ranch/went to Baylor with and they invited me to come every Sunday to a gathering they have of all these Sky Ranch people in the area. I thought it would be far away because a lot of them work in Dallas, but its only in Lewisville, which is only about 15-20 min. away from me. So that was exciting.

Semester 2 of grad school is about to wrap up (I have one take home final to finish today) and then I'll be done. Only a year left until graduation! One of those semesters will be spent doing field experience, but who knows where that will be??

Also, my dad found a dog for me this past week and I will be taking a look at her when I get home for the holidays. She's a 40 pound Siberian husky with the bluest eyes ever. She seems perfect. Here's what her foster mom said about her:

"My foster Mommy named me after some lady named Ella
Fitzgerald? She said something about my singing all the time. I do like to sing
to my big rottie friend, Goliath. Sometimes I can get him to sing back to me
although his is more like a grumble. Mommy says something like an Ella
Fitzgerald and Joe Cocker duo!

I hear my foster Mommy telling everyone what a sweet girl I am
and that she would love to keep me. She said if she keeps all her fosters, she
can not help the next one that comes along and needs her.
I love to snuggle. When my foster Mommy is laying down trying
to go to sleep, I like to jump up on the bed and lay down and cover her to make
sure she is warm. It seems natural to me, maybe because all my ancestors did
this to keep their owners and children warm in the snow. "

And here's a picture of the beautiful girl:

Anyways, now I'm gonna clean my room (I'm a neat freak that can't keep her room clean. Go figure.) and work on some homework and then Christmas shopping!

Hope all is well with you! Much love and God bless!

PS - a quote from a song that I found quite quoteworthy: "Fear not, I will pilot thee." Simple yet profound.

Cake #2

Here are the pictures of my latest creation! Some of the flowers are cute but some you can't really tell that they are flowers, but thats what practice is for! I took it to work today and got offered money to make a cake for one of my coworker's daughter's birthday party. How exciting!

Anyways, here's a thought to chew on that Matt Chandler said at church this past week:

"Be where you are or you will miss ALL that is currently beautiful."

Christmas is coming! :0)

Christmas Music on the Radio

So, I have thoroughly enjoyed the radio stations that play Christmas music 24/7. However, I have noticed one peculiar thing. Many of these stations are secular (Sunny 99.1 in Houston and 103.7 in DFW) but play a lot of Christmas songs that mention the birth of Jesus and his coming to save the world. Not that I am opposed to this in any way - quite the contrary - I love them! However, these stations would normally be very adamant about not playing anything with a Christian influence in their regular broadcasts. So why is it perfectly acceptable to play songs about Baby Jesus and his saving of the world now, but not at any other time? Its a double standard - one that befuddles me.

Anyways, Thanksgiving break has been good. I definitely do not want to return to work on Monday. However, the break has also been full of writing two huge papers and it will feel good to get rid of those this week. After they are turned in, I am pretty much done with school for the semester aside from finals, which should not be too bad. Only a year longer until I'm (hopefully) done with school forever and can be a real human being. Studying and writing papers is getting old real fast. I am not sure what I want to do or where I want to work, but God is faithful and will reveal that to me in His own timing. Hopefully the limbo phase will not get the best of me.

Anyways, back to writing papers. Hope all is well and Turkey Day was great!

My First Cake!

So, I went to my second cake decorating class yesterday and actually got to decorate a cake! So fun. I was a little frustrated at first because I couldn't get the icing out of the icing bag and my hands were killing me, but then my instructor came over and solved the problem by thinning out my icing - apparently, despite following the recipe, my icing was much much too thick. After that, we were good to go! Anyways, here are pictures of my very first cake!

Anyways, enough about cakes. I'm very excited about Thanksgiving break! I have the whole week off of work, but still have class. Thats ok. Despite having to work on papers, I get to sleep in and do whatever I want, so I'm ok with that.

Anyways, hope your Thanksgiving break goes well!

Surrendered

I just love my church. No I'm not really involved yet (that could be changing in the next few weeks with the beginning of the special needs ministry) but when I go there, I just feel peaceful and know that God is truly in this place. Anyways, Matt Chandler wasn't speaking last night, but another pastor, Paul Matthies (sp?) was and I really like him too. Anyways, he said a quote last night that I could not pass up posting:

"The best life is a surrendered life."

Anyways. Thats all. There's really not much to say after that. Chew on it for a while.

Excited about Cake!

While I was out doing a little shopping today at Michael's, i made a very exciting discovery! They were offering Wilton Cake Decorating Courses every Sunday this month! And not just that...for 50% off! So starting tomorrow, I will begin my adventrues in cake decorating...maybe I'll achieve my dream of being on Food Network someday! Haha...j/k. Anyways, I'm extremely excited and if you are nice to me, I might even make you a cake!

Light from a candle

"A candle loses nothing by sharing its light with another."

~Author Unknown~

Proved wrong again

I don't know what my deal is. I complain to God about everything (working on not having a whiny spirit) and just when I'm ready to throw in the towel, He does something amazing, showing me that I really need to have more faith and not be admitting defeat.

All week, I've been thinking about my church situation. I'm frustrated for not really being involved in one and not gaining a community. Well, last night, Lauren and I decided to go to the Village Church (we love it there, but its very hard to get involved in). I opened the bulletin and BAM! God had answered prayers. The first announcement was the beginning of a ministry for special needs children, something I had been looking for in a church so I could get involved. Then further down the page, there was an announcement about making reforms to the singles ministry at the Village and they needed 75 volunteers...must be a big change if you need that many people! Right now, the singles ministry consists of home groups (which are almost impossible to be involved in as a grad student b/c of night classes) and a once a month "gathering". So we'll see. I just need to learn to wait on God and not get all fussy and whiny about everything. In Psalm 37:7 it reminds us to "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently on Him..." I really need to adjust my focus and last night was a good reminder of that.

Diet Coke

So, no big secret - I'm addicted to Diet Coke. If DC was an alcoholic drink or a drug, I would be in big trouble.

My question is, what are the addictive properties in Diet Coke? There has to be some. Everyone I know who drinks Diet Coke on a regular basis doesn't just like it - they are addicted. Seriously. I've met people who hate it and people who love it, but no one in the middle. Weird. Anyone know the answer to yet another perplexing question of life?

New

I decided that since I'm in a new phase/place in life, a new blog was appropriate.