Planning on Love

"Is not a kiss the very autograph of love?"

~Henry Finck~

No. I don't have a boy or anything (more commentary to come on that topic later in the post...). But I do have a new planner - an eagerly anticipated purchase each year - yeah, I'm a HUGE nerd! "What does that have to do with love," you might ask. Well my new planner is a Mary Engelbreit planner. This is my second year to have a planner designed by her and they are just precious with pictures and quotes for each new week. Each year also has a unique theme to it and many of the quotes for each week relate to that theme. 2008's chosen theme is "From the Bottom of My Heart" and all the quotes in it are about love, hence the quote for this week I posted above. I'll try and post each new week's quote because they are simply precious and worth sharing.

I decided that this was a good theme for my life this year as well. I want to love God more deeply than I ever have before. I want to love others more deeply than I ever have before. I even want to love myself more. One year in middle school I went to Kanakuk summer camp in the Ozarks for a week. It wasn't a really enjoyable experience (not knocking Kanakuk or anything - it just was not a good situation for me personally) but I did take away a few things from that week. One was a simple acrostic of the word JOY. Jesus first, Others second, Yourself third. Cheesy and elementary, yes, but also a good way to put things in perspective in life. Thats how I want to love, like I previously said. I want to know what the Word has to say about love (a work already in progress) and the infinite ways that Jesus loved. I want to learn from others and how they truly love. I want to learn more about love as a choice and as actions rather than just the "feeling" the secular world promotes. I really just want to understand more deeply what love is and what it needs to look life in the life of a Godly woman (because that is what I seek to be). So this, folks, is my big resolution for the year (and for life really...).

Anyways. I mentioned above about boys and that I would comment on that. I was blog stalking around some today and read a girl's blog that said she wanted to have sex in '08. That was her resolution. She is a Christian and was basically referring to "finding a mate in '08". Pretty bold statement but as I've mentioned before would be something I wouldn't mind happening in '08. Or '09. Or just someday (hopefully sooner than later...)! But I'll leave that in God's hands because He has a much better plan than I do (and I'm not just saying that to hopefully make myself feel better - I really do mean it).

However, I decided that a half serious, half joking resolution of mine would be just to go on a date in '08. A real date. I have been on a couple acci-dates (where you don't know you are on one until later - surprise!). I've taken boys as dates to KXA functions when I was in college (but seriously - you have to ask the boys to those). I've been set up on a few blind dates that never really worked out. Dating just hasn't ever been my thing. I want to go on a real date. One where the boy asks if he can take you out to dinner or to do something fun. Where its obvious its a date and he is interested in getting to know you a little better. Even if its just one or two, I'm okay with that.

Now you might say this is out of my control. Yes, that is partially true. And since it is sort of not in my hands, I'm okay if it doesn't happen.

But there are a few things I can control. I really inhibit myself a lot of times from even getting to know boys at all. Mainly because they scare me. I know for one I am horrible at making eye contact. I feel like I'm sending the wrong message if I maintain 2 seconds of eye contact. Yeah, I'm ridiculous. I avoid complimenting boys on things because again, I don't want to send the wrong message. I shy away from conversations where I have to share my opinion or feelings on a topic because I don't want them to think I'm ridiculous for thinking or feeling one way or another. I'm so focused on not sending the wrong message that I leave myself little time to send the right message. And by the right message I don't mean, "hey, take me on a date". I mean, "Hey, I think you are nice. We could be good friends. Etc., etc., etc.". I know much about good personal communication skills. But I can't seem to use those skills that I use well in other arenas when I am talking to someone of the opposite sex. Oi vey. I'm a mess. I have a dad and brother. I should be okay with boys!

But the truth is, I'm not and I need to make some changes. Not just to get a date. That's not my goal in life (mainly just a nice idea that I hope would happen). Honestly, I think a lot of this stems from low self-confidence on my part and lack of love towards myself. I often in the back of my mind trick myself into believing that I am not worth it, boys like other girls better than me, other girls are more worthy than I am, I am ugly, etc. But I know these are the lies that Satan has planted deep within me (and most girls) and I am allowing them to take root in my life.

I want to stand on the promises and truths that God has given to me and fully believe in them and live my life in such a way that displays this. God wants His promises and truths displayed in us. We were created for that. And I'm not just talking about dealing with the opposite sex now (although thats how this topic started). I'm talking about all areas of life, big and small.

So thats my other big resolution for the year (and life too...): to allow His promises and truths to be displayed in my life.

Amen.

God bless.

PS - I tried to put spaces in my post between paragraphs so it would be easier to read. But Blogger wouldn't let me do that. I'm having trouble with the formatting. So I apologize for the gigantic neverending paragraphs that are my blog posts. Love you!