So I just got back from my church singles retreat this weekend. Fun times were had - sunburns, softball, 80s prom dresses, sweet friends and the Holy Spirit. It doesn't get much better than that. Staying up til 2am on a nightly basis is not the norm for me, but I sucuumb to peer pressure far too easily and was up way way way late both nights there. And up by 7 or 7:30 each morning. Ugh. Bed time tonight will be roughly 8:30, if I make it that long. I have to sleep tonight or this week will be a nightmare!
Anyways, something thats been on my mind recently. Do you ever just feel like your life is kind of in battle mode on all fronts? I just have been fighting that feeling a lot lately. Even keeping my room clean is a battle of major proportions. Between the retreat, getting ready for the wedding I'm in this weekend, work and China, my room literally looks like a bomb went off in it. I hate it and it stresses me out, but the motivation to keep it clean is very low.
Work feels like a battle too. Its one thing after another. I feel like I am never quite doing anything right or I am always missing something that I should have known but no one mentioned to me. Every day I get emails stating, "Ms. Stewart, you need to take care of this." or "Ms. Stewart, you were supposed to do this." I get phone calls too. Its so frustrating to feel like you are working so hard for your students yet getting nowhere. I know without a doubt that this is where the Lord wants me right now, but it feels yuck right now.
Ministry is a battle right now. I just feel like I am never doing enough for the people I am supposed to be ministering too. I didn't feel worthy of this position when I was asked to do it and still don't feel like it, but for whatever reason, the Lord has chosen to use me here and now. I just wish I felt more confident in doing it. Not prideful. I still want to maintain a spirit of humility and servanthood. I just wish I felt like I knew more of what I was doing and more of a Godly woman to be able to do this job. I love it a lot, but it is hard.
Along those lines, relationships feel like a battle too. New ones. Old ones. I feel like I haven't had a deep conversation in weeks, something I crave. Depth is lacking and I don't like it. I don't know if it is I don't have the time to invest or others don't have the time or a combination of the both, but it is hurting. I was at the retreat this weekend, prime time for relational development and I just had this lack of desire to reach out and invest time in those relationships. I wanted to be lazy. I stuck around people I don't have to make much of an effort with because relating to them is easy. I felt ugly about that. I don't like when I'm like that. I was in hiding and reverting back to grounds that the Lord has given me victory in my life. Yuck.
I am leaving for China in 12 days and my previous excitement about that has kind of faded and I hate that. I don't want this amazing opportunity to fall in my battle category as well, but sadly it is. Maybe as the day draws nearer, I will feel more excited but right now the last minute details are eating at me. Yuck.
Lastly, contentment is a battle. Why can't I just be okay with God and where He has me and what He is doing? And go with the flow on it? Yes, I know I should always have a certain holy dissatisfaction with myself, but I should not have that with God. And that feels ugly too be discontent. He is enough - always has been always will be. Why can't I allow Him to convince me of that? Hasn't He done enough? He paid it all, after all.
So I'm ready for life to stop being such a battle. I just feel like I'm stuck in the mud and not moving anywhere and low on motivation to do so. Ew. Do y'all ever feel this way? Especially when you feel like your life is richly blessed and yet still struggle like this? Double ew.
