The Looking Glass

I get in these moods where I start taking a good look at myself. Not my physical features, but at my heart - its motivations, its desires, its current state, etc.

For whatever, reason, I got in one of these moods today. And came up frustrated. Some of it has to do with sin I'm struggling with but I think the rest of it is sourt of mourning a loss.

Not the loss of a person. More like the loss of opportunities I didn't take and maybe should have. For example, I had four summers while I was in college to do things with. Three of those four, I spent working in horrible jobs insisting that I needed the money and didn't have time to do anything else. The other summer (the last one at that), I spent at camp and while it was a tough learning experience, I don't regret it at all. Now, being done with college and about to enter the real working world (not just as an underpaid special ed aide), I am desiring to go spend three months in another country and living beyond myself. Its a desire that has always been there, so why didn't I do it then.

I know why. Fear. I have spent so much of the last few years living in fear and letting it make my decisions for me. I HATE THAT! So much.

So what do I do know with this frustration with myself and the mourning of missed opportunities? I feel like God has stirred this dirt up in me for a reason, so what do I do with it? How do I make sure I stop making decisions out of fear and not look back a few years down the road with regret?

I want to go to India. I want to go to Morrocco. I want to invest in the people in those places and others for more than a week or two at a time. I don't know if I'm called to full time missions because I feel like there is a mission field here that I am called to at this point (families of children with special needs). Maybe God has something for me later and I just need to be patient and wait. But in the meantime, I want to stop being so frustrated with myself that I can hardly stand it.

In other less introspective news, my parents bought a new (smaller) home today. In Sugarland. It won't be built and ready for people to live in it for like six months. So weird. For some reason, it made me feel really old and out of place. I've always moved everywhere and lived in every house with my parents. Now they are getting a home just for them that I will most likely never live in and just visit them at. Anyways, its kinda weird but also very exciting at the same time. I think it will be really good for them and easier for them to keep up with. This is what it will look like:

Anyways, hope everyone is doing well. God bless!

More things to accomplish in life....

1. Grow my hair long enough so I can cut it and donate to locks of love.
2. Get Ella certified for Pet Therapy.
3. Teach a class in something.
4. Begin a family camp for families of children with special needs.
5. Ride the entire MS150 with my dad and brother.
6. Be an extra in a movie.
7. Ride an elephant in Thailand.
8. Build something - a desk, a chair, a treehouse, whatever.
9. Be a foster parent or adopt.
10. Train a puppy.
11. Re-learn to play the piano (I took lessons for like 2 or 3 years when I was little - I want to pick it back up again!)

A decision has been made...

So I made a decision today. I will be moving to Houston next month. Why, you might ask? Well, basically, I feel like in the past year or so, I've rushed into a lot of decisions that may or may not have been the right ones. So, I'm going to do my internship in Houston and use the next few months to pray and wait and see what the Lord has in store for me next. I could very well stay in Houston and work there for a few years. I could move up to Colorado in a few months for a job. I could not use my degree immediately and go overseas for a year or whatever and teach or do some sort of missions. Who knows?? But I've decided that I will use my time in Houston to pray and wait on the Lord's direction whatever it may be. Some may not think this is the best route to go, but I'm not living to please anyone but God, so whatever. Just pray that these next few months, God will reveal to me what He wants next and I will not let the details get in the way and cloud my focus on Him. Pray that it will be a time that I will draw even closer to Him and pursue Him fervently. Anyways, for those of y'all that were wondering, there is my answer! Now, God could surprise me and change this within the next few weeks (as no internship has been offered as of yet but will probably be within the next two weeks), but for now, this is my decision. My dad always says to pick a plan and stick with it, so that is my plan.

Anyways, God bless!

PS - Y'all should try cycling. I ventured out this weekend with my dad and my brother and gave the sport they are passionate about a try. Its rough, but I think well worth it. I got a pair of bike shorts and a jersey and a helmet all on a very very good sale today so I can start my cycling career. We are also looking at a (used) road bike in great condition. So, we'll see where this adventure takes us!

Zones of Comfort

My comfort zone is hard to define. Maybe its because I have several that somewhat negate each other's existence.

My first major comfort zone is being in the company of family and friends. I like having much of my family and friends within a few hours driving distance of me and/or being able to talk to them pretty much whenever I want. I love closeness to people both physically and emotionally, so to abandon that is hard for me.

My other major comfort zone is traveling and being somewhere international. Not because I selfishly just like to travel and have adventures (which isn't entirely untrue), but because I don't like living in the U.S. sometimes. There is such a busy-ness to life here that no one seems to be able to escape. I am more comfortable sitting with a group of international friends and discussing things with them than I am sitting with a group of American friends. Its weird. I know. But if you know my background and what environment I grew up in, you might understand this one a little bit better. I did grow up overseas, but not completely immersed in another culture (or what you traditionally think of as culture). I grew up around many Americans, but I wouldn't consider the environment I grew up in as a typical American upbringing. Growing up in ARAMCO was a vastly different and almost indescribable way of life (and one I don't think is replicable anywhere else). Its kinda like the Aggies. Nobody understands them or their seemingly insane commitment to their beloved school while simultaneously, they can't adequately describe it to those outside of it.

Anyways, I think thats what has been troubling me a lot lately. I am going to do my internship for my Masters and complete my Masters degree. I've resolved to that much. But am I going to use my Masters training immediately? I've given a lot of options some thought. Nothing solid yet, but just thoughts that have been mulled over in my head. Pray that God will make things clear for me and the unique purpose He has for my life. I do not want to get stuck in the "beaten path" that I feel many people my age get stuck in and then look back when they turn 30 and don't like what they see. I want to look back and have lived beyond myself and feel like this season of my life is worthy of the calling. Just pray that my heart will be cleared and that as I attempt to relentlessly pursue Christ and His calling for my life, I will be willing to do whatever that requires.

Anyways, now for an update. It is looking more and more like my move next month will be to Houston. I have mixed feelings about that and nothing is set in stone right now. But thats where the doors seem to be opening up and I am assuming that is where God is calling me right now.

God bless and stay cool! Now that the rain is gone, the Texas heat is on full force...sick!

A little honesty never hurt anyone...

So I decided it was time for a few more points of honesty to be shared with my avid fans (haha...).

• Biblical femininity is among the topics I am most passionate about in life and I can discuss and debate about it for hours. This passion was lit in my during my summer at Sky Ranch and the fire really hasn't left. I would love to write an article, book, speak at a lecture or something of the like on the topic someday because I feel like its an often ignored topic, although it is gaining much ground recently. Along these lines, I am normally not one to jump on Christian fad bandwagons, but Captivating is a book I think every single woman should read as well as every man who wants to know about a woman's heart.
• Loyalty is a characteristic that is very important to me and something I seek in family and friends. One of the most painful things to me is to feel left out or forgotten about. I rarely get angry, but I think all the times I have been angry is because I perceived that someone was being disloyal. I'm not co-dependent or clingy or anything like that - I promise. But I put a high priority on loyalty.
• I am a sensitive person - more so than most people realize. My feelings get hurt easily, whether I want them to or not. I've tried bucking up and gaining a stronger front, but I haven't gotten very far (although I am better than I used to be). I'm pretty ridiculous sometimes. There are things that bother me that are minor or insignificant to other people but are a big deal to me. But the truth is, I do have a very tender heart and it is not hard at all to crack me. I usually won't say anything (although I might vent to someone I trust) and work through it on my own (for two reasons 1) I know sometimes the things that get to me are no big deal at all and its an issue I need to resolve within myself and 2) I am deathly afraid of confrontation for the most part - another thing I need to work on).

So the last two are really hard for me to admit. I feel like its me admitting that I am a weak person and do not like appearing that way to others. But a huge part of being honest is allowing others to know my vulnerable points. Again, like the first post, I am so tempted to wipe out the second two bullets, but will refrain from doing so. I say I want adventure and excitement, but I think that has to start with small challenges/steps for myself in order to reach the "grand adventure".

No funny stories for today. Just homework. Its boring. I love you. God bless!

Missions

A thought has been running through my head lately. Am I called to international missions? I am very passionate about it and admire people who choose to do it so much. But is it for me? I often wonder if I am ignorning God's call to go by placing my own desires above His or if He is calling me to do stateside missions. Both are of equal value and worth, but which is for me. I love traveling to other countries and learning about other people, and sharing God with those people and cultures is even more fantastic. But there are so many cultures and people in need in the States, that I feel like sometimes that is where I need to be. I guess my comfort zone is hard to define too. Traveling and going places is a comfort zone for me but being close to friends and family is another comfort zone for me and those are often in heavy competition with each other. I try to keep my options open and do research on both options, but how do I know which I should progress with? Anyways, something that has just been at the back of my mind lately.

Funny story for the day: So I've been running a low fever for the past five days and feeling dizzy and achey. I figured since it had been so persistent, it was time for a visit to the doctor. Since I have no doctor in Denton, I went to CareNow, an urgent care clinic. To go to these clinics costs me $65 a visit. So I go and they take my symptoms and do bloodwork and such. And then diagnose me with "viral syndrome". And send me home. No presecriptions. They just tell me to keep taking Advil to alleviate my symptoms like I've been doing. Nice. I love paying $65 so can keep on doing what I'm doing. I mean there really was nothing they could do since it was a virus and could be controlled by Advil, but good grief. Oh well...you live, you learn. At least I know now.

God bless!

A list...

I've heard of people making lists of things they want to do or accomplish in their lives. I wanted one too. And to avoid writing a paper, I have decided that now is a good time to start my list.

1. Go on a hot air balloon ride.
2. Carry on a complete conversation in another language.
3. Go on bicycle tours of other countries (England, Ireland, China, Australia, etc.).
4. Sew an outfit (skirt, dress, etc.) that I would actually wear.
5. Get married.
6. Have kids.
7. Write a book (children's, novel, whatever).
8. Create my own recipe that everyone likes and people want the recipe for.
9. Make a wedding cake for someone (and actually be good enough of a cake decorator to do that).
10. Participate in a ballroom dancing competition.
11. Perform in a musical.
12. Return to Saudi Arabia for a visit.

I think I'm going to stop now as my paper is looming over my head. I sure am glad that classes will be over with for me this summer.

God bless!

One of my short(er) posts...

So, usually my posts are rather lengthy, but this one will be short and (kinda) sweet.

I got a new Yankee Candle yesterday from Bed Bath and Beyond with my store credit. It is delightful! It is a newer fragrance called Tahitian Tiare Flower. I have been burning it ever since I got home. Good thing I got the larger jar!

In less sweet news, I took Ella for her first vet visit (since I've had her). I wasn't particularly worried because I have had no health problems with her. She needed to have a heartworm test to get more Heartgard medicine so she doesn't get heartworms. Well, the test they do to determine this said she was negative for heartworms. Great news! However, it did come up positive for Lyme Disease! Yikes! I guess before I had her, she had some run-ins with some ticks who shared their lovely disease with my sweet baby. :0( The vet seems to think she will be fine though, as long as we stay on top of it and watch out for symptoms. So far, she hasn't had any symptoms, so the vet said that was a wonderful sign. She will be on antibiotics for a while to help clear it up. She expects Ella to live a good, long life despite the Lyme disease. She said people are generally the ones that die of Lyme disease, not dogs. Also, the good thing is that this will not be spread to Gibson because it is only transmitted through ticks, so no worries of spreading it to her buddy. I hope she really is okay, because after the disaster with Maya last September and Zeke dying last month of cancer, I don't think I could handle another sweet puppy dying on me! The vet really assured me that Ella would be fine, especially since it hasn't bothered her at all. Right now, Ella is at the vet for a comprehensive checkup (part of the insurance/wellness plan I am putting her on to help defray the costs of some of the later vet bills). She is not happy with me. On Tuesday, I took her to the groomer's and left her for her grooming and today I took her and left her at the vet (although I didn't realize I needed to leave her today - honest mistake - but try explaining that to those sweet puppy eyes!). But I am treating her to a dish of ice cream after I pick her up, so hopefully she will forgive me. She was very upset when I left and trying to hide under the bench I was sitting on and giving me lots of kisses. I know its neccessary to do this, but it breaks my heart to see her so scared! Imagine if I'm like this with my dog what I will be like with my kids! Oi....

obedience and love

I was reading Kimberly's blog earlier today about how the Lord was teaching her about obedience. And it got me thinking about my present situation and decisions that need to be made.

One thing she said that God was teaching her was that, "Serving God out of love and not obligation or fear is of the utmost importance."

I'm wondering if I am trying to make my decisions because I fear God or feel some sort of obligation. I honestly do want to serve Him because I am so deep in love with Him. But am I using that as the motivating factor in my life?

I'm not really sure, to tell you the truth.

And that's rather unfortunate. Serving Him out of love is such a basic and elementary truth to faith, yet applying it doesn't seem to be for me. I am constantly afraid that I am going to make the wrong decision and move myself to the wrong place doing the wrong thing.

I wonder if I focused more on making my decisions because I love Him as opposed to fearing Him, if my decisions would be much easier. I'm pretty much betting they would.

On the topic of making decisions, here's the latest update. I am probably going up to Colorado Springs at the end of this month to meet with the people up there. Human resources is supposed to be sending me a packet to fill out, but I have yet to receive that. One agency in Houston was interested in me, but the lady who I am in contact with is out of the office until next week (she failed to tell me this 2 weeks ago), so we'll see where that goes. Another Houston agency said they didn't have any availability for an intern, but wished me lucked in my endeavors. I emailed two more agencies in Houston today and within 5 minutes, one had emailed me back and told me they were very interested. The building that I would be working in is 5 minutes from my dad's office. We could carpool and do lunch. Now I know most of you are wondering why I am emailing so many more agencies in Houston than Colorado Springs, but there is good reason for that. Houston is so big that instead of just one large agency serving the area, several agencies have divided up the area (by zip code).

So, basically pray that God's will be made clear to me and that I am willing to follow that will, not out of obligation or fear, but purely because I love Him and have faith in Him and His plans for my life.

On a funny note, I took Ella to Petsmart today to get groomed. Its a very costly service, but very worth it. They give her a bath, brushing, de-shedding, nail clipping, ear cleaning and tooth brushing. I guess $45 is a good price for all of that because most of it I can't do on my own. However, Ella hates going there. You would think being a girl, she would love going to get her hair and nails done, but not so with her. The poor girl who was in charge of Ella's grooming services said that they got all the fur out that they could (it was covering the floor of the place - who said getting a Siberian Husky was a good idea?) but she had gotten very upset towards the end. Also, more than anything, Ella hates having her nails clipped. I used to try to do it, my brother tried it and my dad tried it, but to no avail. I thought surely Petsmart could do it. Again, to no avail. They said Ella was throwing herself off the table to avoid getting her nails clipped. So that didn't get done. She's a mess. I love her anyways, but good grief. What am I going to do with this child? I secretly think that God is preparing me for my own kids someday and this is quite a taste of that! Holy moly.

And thats not all. She is going to be so upset with me. On Thursday, I have to take her back to the vet (it's next door to the grooming place) where she will have a checkup, which includes a heartworm test. She is going to be soooo mad! I think I'll buy her some ice cream from Sonic afterwards. I'm such a sucker.

Anyways, God bless and again, stay dry! When will this rain ever stop??? I keep driving over the Lake Lewisville bridge and I think its going to cover over I35 pretty soon here. That will be quite the disaster.