The Looking Glass

I get in these moods where I start taking a good look at myself. Not my physical features, but at my heart - its motivations, its desires, its current state, etc.

For whatever, reason, I got in one of these moods today. And came up frustrated. Some of it has to do with sin I'm struggling with but I think the rest of it is sourt of mourning a loss.

Not the loss of a person. More like the loss of opportunities I didn't take and maybe should have. For example, I had four summers while I was in college to do things with. Three of those four, I spent working in horrible jobs insisting that I needed the money and didn't have time to do anything else. The other summer (the last one at that), I spent at camp and while it was a tough learning experience, I don't regret it at all. Now, being done with college and about to enter the real working world (not just as an underpaid special ed aide), I am desiring to go spend three months in another country and living beyond myself. Its a desire that has always been there, so why didn't I do it then.

I know why. Fear. I have spent so much of the last few years living in fear and letting it make my decisions for me. I HATE THAT! So much.

So what do I do know with this frustration with myself and the mourning of missed opportunities? I feel like God has stirred this dirt up in me for a reason, so what do I do with it? How do I make sure I stop making decisions out of fear and not look back a few years down the road with regret?

I want to go to India. I want to go to Morrocco. I want to invest in the people in those places and others for more than a week or two at a time. I don't know if I'm called to full time missions because I feel like there is a mission field here that I am called to at this point (families of children with special needs). Maybe God has something for me later and I just need to be patient and wait. But in the meantime, I want to stop being so frustrated with myself that I can hardly stand it.

In other less introspective news, my parents bought a new (smaller) home today. In Sugarland. It won't be built and ready for people to live in it for like six months. So weird. For some reason, it made me feel really old and out of place. I've always moved everywhere and lived in every house with my parents. Now they are getting a home just for them that I will most likely never live in and just visit them at. Anyways, its kinda weird but also very exciting at the same time. I think it will be really good for them and easier for them to keep up with. This is what it will look like:

Anyways, hope everyone is doing well. God bless!