I was talking to a good friend of mine from college the other day, the lovely Ashley Gartner. We discussed how easy it is to forget to look for the beauty adn meaning in our present lives and get caught up in worrying about tomorrow and what it holds.
I really just need to tatoo that to my forehead. Although doing that would just remind everyone else and give me a backwards reminder when I looked in the mirror.
I was reminded of this fact today as I was babysitting. The 18 month old was sitting in my lap just cuddling and the three year old was being cute. I got to thinking how fun it would be to be a mom and do stuff like that all day. And how much I couldn't wait for it. Then, almost as quickly as I thought that, I realized just how much I am enjoying being selfish right now. I get to wake up when I want to on the weekends, eat what I want, just pick up and go on trips when I want and various other things that are at my own pace on my own timing. When you have kids, you don't get to do that! So, for now, I'm glad that those sweet moments are only for three or four hour stretches a couple times a week. I'll use other peoples' kids to get my kicks and then go home and back to doing things mostly however I want. I know a time will come when I will be willing and want to give that all up, but for now, I am okay with not being a mom. Its amazing to me how many girls my age already have a baby and are planning for more in the near future. How do they do it? Am I a bad person because I want to be selfish and have my own time right now? I hope not. I deeply desire to be a mother and devote myself to my kids. But not now. I do not think I have what it takes right now. I have some growing up to do. So maybe I'm too immature to have a kid right now. But thats okay. God will prepare me for the right time. I think He already is. I just do not think He wants me at that point just yet.
So while I'm content with not being a mother, one thing Ashley and I discussed is our difficulty with being content single women. With not being Godly wives to Godly men. I want to be content. I want to be okay with God and His timing for my life. I realize that marriage is not going to be some magic panacea for my life and that contentment is not dependent on marriage. Marriage brings its own set of new issues to contend with. But why, oh why does it occupy so many of my thoughts? This preoccupation certainly isn't helping any with my difficult adjustment to single adulthood. But I really just want to be okay with today. I want to be okay with where God has me, not where I think I should be. I am young. There is fun to be had. But I so deeply desire a companion to do it all with. I think thats why I am having such a hard time with it. Lack of companionship. Seriously. I have a lot of friends that I love. I love them and they love me. But many are scattered across the world. And involved in their own lives. And that is wonderful. Really. But I desire constant companionship. Yes, I certainly do value my alone time. I seek it out. But I want someone there. Someone who isn't going to leave me. Someone who will fight with me and for me. And yes, now I've crossed into girly land.
Thats okay. I took a personality test today (one of those silly ones online) and it ranked you on all these different qualitites. One of them was femininity. I scored a 92%. That was the strongest I was in any category. By far. Like by 30 or 40%. So, I guess thats how God made me. Very feminine. Sweet.
Anyways, I'm just packing up stuff around here and trying to finish up stuff for school and secure an internship/job. Ella is very confused by all the boxes. She doesn't want to go in my room. She'll sleep in there at night but thats about it. Otherwise she just sits outside my room and kinda peers in. Bless her heart. She will love living at grandma and grandpa's house though. Spoiled rotten. Although, they are packing up their house too, so who knows?
Well, I've rambled enough for today. I really try to make these entries concise. It never works. Rambling is what I do, and I am very sorry!
Please just pray for my last few weeks here in Denton and for the transition to Houston and all that entails (living with parents, new friends, church, job/internship, etc.). Pray that I will be content where He has me and that I will stop being so preoccupied on the future. God knows my heart and my desires...after all, He created them!
God bless!
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