The Looking Glass

I get in these moods where I start taking a good look at myself. Not my physical features, but at my heart - its motivations, its desires, its current state, etc.

For whatever, reason, I got in one of these moods today. And came up frustrated. Some of it has to do with sin I'm struggling with but I think the rest of it is sourt of mourning a loss.

Not the loss of a person. More like the loss of opportunities I didn't take and maybe should have. For example, I had four summers while I was in college to do things with. Three of those four, I spent working in horrible jobs insisting that I needed the money and didn't have time to do anything else. The other summer (the last one at that), I spent at camp and while it was a tough learning experience, I don't regret it at all. Now, being done with college and about to enter the real working world (not just as an underpaid special ed aide), I am desiring to go spend three months in another country and living beyond myself. Its a desire that has always been there, so why didn't I do it then.

I know why. Fear. I have spent so much of the last few years living in fear and letting it make my decisions for me. I HATE THAT! So much.

So what do I do know with this frustration with myself and the mourning of missed opportunities? I feel like God has stirred this dirt up in me for a reason, so what do I do with it? How do I make sure I stop making decisions out of fear and not look back a few years down the road with regret?

I want to go to India. I want to go to Morrocco. I want to invest in the people in those places and others for more than a week or two at a time. I don't know if I'm called to full time missions because I feel like there is a mission field here that I am called to at this point (families of children with special needs). Maybe God has something for me later and I just need to be patient and wait. But in the meantime, I want to stop being so frustrated with myself that I can hardly stand it.

In other less introspective news, my parents bought a new (smaller) home today. In Sugarland. It won't be built and ready for people to live in it for like six months. So weird. For some reason, it made me feel really old and out of place. I've always moved everywhere and lived in every house with my parents. Now they are getting a home just for them that I will most likely never live in and just visit them at. Anyways, its kinda weird but also very exciting at the same time. I think it will be really good for them and easier for them to keep up with. This is what it will look like:

Anyways, hope everyone is doing well. God bless!

More things to accomplish in life....

1. Grow my hair long enough so I can cut it and donate to locks of love.
2. Get Ella certified for Pet Therapy.
3. Teach a class in something.
4. Begin a family camp for families of children with special needs.
5. Ride the entire MS150 with my dad and brother.
6. Be an extra in a movie.
7. Ride an elephant in Thailand.
8. Build something - a desk, a chair, a treehouse, whatever.
9. Be a foster parent or adopt.
10. Train a puppy.
11. Re-learn to play the piano (I took lessons for like 2 or 3 years when I was little - I want to pick it back up again!)

A decision has been made...

So I made a decision today. I will be moving to Houston next month. Why, you might ask? Well, basically, I feel like in the past year or so, I've rushed into a lot of decisions that may or may not have been the right ones. So, I'm going to do my internship in Houston and use the next few months to pray and wait and see what the Lord has in store for me next. I could very well stay in Houston and work there for a few years. I could move up to Colorado in a few months for a job. I could not use my degree immediately and go overseas for a year or whatever and teach or do some sort of missions. Who knows?? But I've decided that I will use my time in Houston to pray and wait on the Lord's direction whatever it may be. Some may not think this is the best route to go, but I'm not living to please anyone but God, so whatever. Just pray that these next few months, God will reveal to me what He wants next and I will not let the details get in the way and cloud my focus on Him. Pray that it will be a time that I will draw even closer to Him and pursue Him fervently. Anyways, for those of y'all that were wondering, there is my answer! Now, God could surprise me and change this within the next few weeks (as no internship has been offered as of yet but will probably be within the next two weeks), but for now, this is my decision. My dad always says to pick a plan and stick with it, so that is my plan.

Anyways, God bless!

PS - Y'all should try cycling. I ventured out this weekend with my dad and my brother and gave the sport they are passionate about a try. Its rough, but I think well worth it. I got a pair of bike shorts and a jersey and a helmet all on a very very good sale today so I can start my cycling career. We are also looking at a (used) road bike in great condition. So, we'll see where this adventure takes us!

Zones of Comfort

My comfort zone is hard to define. Maybe its because I have several that somewhat negate each other's existence.

My first major comfort zone is being in the company of family and friends. I like having much of my family and friends within a few hours driving distance of me and/or being able to talk to them pretty much whenever I want. I love closeness to people both physically and emotionally, so to abandon that is hard for me.

My other major comfort zone is traveling and being somewhere international. Not because I selfishly just like to travel and have adventures (which isn't entirely untrue), but because I don't like living in the U.S. sometimes. There is such a busy-ness to life here that no one seems to be able to escape. I am more comfortable sitting with a group of international friends and discussing things with them than I am sitting with a group of American friends. Its weird. I know. But if you know my background and what environment I grew up in, you might understand this one a little bit better. I did grow up overseas, but not completely immersed in another culture (or what you traditionally think of as culture). I grew up around many Americans, but I wouldn't consider the environment I grew up in as a typical American upbringing. Growing up in ARAMCO was a vastly different and almost indescribable way of life (and one I don't think is replicable anywhere else). Its kinda like the Aggies. Nobody understands them or their seemingly insane commitment to their beloved school while simultaneously, they can't adequately describe it to those outside of it.

Anyways, I think thats what has been troubling me a lot lately. I am going to do my internship for my Masters and complete my Masters degree. I've resolved to that much. But am I going to use my Masters training immediately? I've given a lot of options some thought. Nothing solid yet, but just thoughts that have been mulled over in my head. Pray that God will make things clear for me and the unique purpose He has for my life. I do not want to get stuck in the "beaten path" that I feel many people my age get stuck in and then look back when they turn 30 and don't like what they see. I want to look back and have lived beyond myself and feel like this season of my life is worthy of the calling. Just pray that my heart will be cleared and that as I attempt to relentlessly pursue Christ and His calling for my life, I will be willing to do whatever that requires.

Anyways, now for an update. It is looking more and more like my move next month will be to Houston. I have mixed feelings about that and nothing is set in stone right now. But thats where the doors seem to be opening up and I am assuming that is where God is calling me right now.

God bless and stay cool! Now that the rain is gone, the Texas heat is on full force...sick!

A little honesty never hurt anyone...

So I decided it was time for a few more points of honesty to be shared with my avid fans (haha...).

• Biblical femininity is among the topics I am most passionate about in life and I can discuss and debate about it for hours. This passion was lit in my during my summer at Sky Ranch and the fire really hasn't left. I would love to write an article, book, speak at a lecture or something of the like on the topic someday because I feel like its an often ignored topic, although it is gaining much ground recently. Along these lines, I am normally not one to jump on Christian fad bandwagons, but Captivating is a book I think every single woman should read as well as every man who wants to know about a woman's heart.
• Loyalty is a characteristic that is very important to me and something I seek in family and friends. One of the most painful things to me is to feel left out or forgotten about. I rarely get angry, but I think all the times I have been angry is because I perceived that someone was being disloyal. I'm not co-dependent or clingy or anything like that - I promise. But I put a high priority on loyalty.
• I am a sensitive person - more so than most people realize. My feelings get hurt easily, whether I want them to or not. I've tried bucking up and gaining a stronger front, but I haven't gotten very far (although I am better than I used to be). I'm pretty ridiculous sometimes. There are things that bother me that are minor or insignificant to other people but are a big deal to me. But the truth is, I do have a very tender heart and it is not hard at all to crack me. I usually won't say anything (although I might vent to someone I trust) and work through it on my own (for two reasons 1) I know sometimes the things that get to me are no big deal at all and its an issue I need to resolve within myself and 2) I am deathly afraid of confrontation for the most part - another thing I need to work on).

So the last two are really hard for me to admit. I feel like its me admitting that I am a weak person and do not like appearing that way to others. But a huge part of being honest is allowing others to know my vulnerable points. Again, like the first post, I am so tempted to wipe out the second two bullets, but will refrain from doing so. I say I want adventure and excitement, but I think that has to start with small challenges/steps for myself in order to reach the "grand adventure".

No funny stories for today. Just homework. Its boring. I love you. God bless!

Missions

A thought has been running through my head lately. Am I called to international missions? I am very passionate about it and admire people who choose to do it so much. But is it for me? I often wonder if I am ignorning God's call to go by placing my own desires above His or if He is calling me to do stateside missions. Both are of equal value and worth, but which is for me. I love traveling to other countries and learning about other people, and sharing God with those people and cultures is even more fantastic. But there are so many cultures and people in need in the States, that I feel like sometimes that is where I need to be. I guess my comfort zone is hard to define too. Traveling and going places is a comfort zone for me but being close to friends and family is another comfort zone for me and those are often in heavy competition with each other. I try to keep my options open and do research on both options, but how do I know which I should progress with? Anyways, something that has just been at the back of my mind lately.

Funny story for the day: So I've been running a low fever for the past five days and feeling dizzy and achey. I figured since it had been so persistent, it was time for a visit to the doctor. Since I have no doctor in Denton, I went to CareNow, an urgent care clinic. To go to these clinics costs me $65 a visit. So I go and they take my symptoms and do bloodwork and such. And then diagnose me with "viral syndrome". And send me home. No presecriptions. They just tell me to keep taking Advil to alleviate my symptoms like I've been doing. Nice. I love paying $65 so can keep on doing what I'm doing. I mean there really was nothing they could do since it was a virus and could be controlled by Advil, but good grief. Oh well...you live, you learn. At least I know now.

God bless!

A list...

I've heard of people making lists of things they want to do or accomplish in their lives. I wanted one too. And to avoid writing a paper, I have decided that now is a good time to start my list.

1. Go on a hot air balloon ride.
2. Carry on a complete conversation in another language.
3. Go on bicycle tours of other countries (England, Ireland, China, Australia, etc.).
4. Sew an outfit (skirt, dress, etc.) that I would actually wear.
5. Get married.
6. Have kids.
7. Write a book (children's, novel, whatever).
8. Create my own recipe that everyone likes and people want the recipe for.
9. Make a wedding cake for someone (and actually be good enough of a cake decorator to do that).
10. Participate in a ballroom dancing competition.
11. Perform in a musical.
12. Return to Saudi Arabia for a visit.

I think I'm going to stop now as my paper is looming over my head. I sure am glad that classes will be over with for me this summer.

God bless!

One of my short(er) posts...

So, usually my posts are rather lengthy, but this one will be short and (kinda) sweet.

I got a new Yankee Candle yesterday from Bed Bath and Beyond with my store credit. It is delightful! It is a newer fragrance called Tahitian Tiare Flower. I have been burning it ever since I got home. Good thing I got the larger jar!

In less sweet news, I took Ella for her first vet visit (since I've had her). I wasn't particularly worried because I have had no health problems with her. She needed to have a heartworm test to get more Heartgard medicine so she doesn't get heartworms. Well, the test they do to determine this said she was negative for heartworms. Great news! However, it did come up positive for Lyme Disease! Yikes! I guess before I had her, she had some run-ins with some ticks who shared their lovely disease with my sweet baby. :0( The vet seems to think she will be fine though, as long as we stay on top of it and watch out for symptoms. So far, she hasn't had any symptoms, so the vet said that was a wonderful sign. She will be on antibiotics for a while to help clear it up. She expects Ella to live a good, long life despite the Lyme disease. She said people are generally the ones that die of Lyme disease, not dogs. Also, the good thing is that this will not be spread to Gibson because it is only transmitted through ticks, so no worries of spreading it to her buddy. I hope she really is okay, because after the disaster with Maya last September and Zeke dying last month of cancer, I don't think I could handle another sweet puppy dying on me! The vet really assured me that Ella would be fine, especially since it hasn't bothered her at all. Right now, Ella is at the vet for a comprehensive checkup (part of the insurance/wellness plan I am putting her on to help defray the costs of some of the later vet bills). She is not happy with me. On Tuesday, I took her to the groomer's and left her for her grooming and today I took her and left her at the vet (although I didn't realize I needed to leave her today - honest mistake - but try explaining that to those sweet puppy eyes!). But I am treating her to a dish of ice cream after I pick her up, so hopefully she will forgive me. She was very upset when I left and trying to hide under the bench I was sitting on and giving me lots of kisses. I know its neccessary to do this, but it breaks my heart to see her so scared! Imagine if I'm like this with my dog what I will be like with my kids! Oi....

obedience and love

I was reading Kimberly's blog earlier today about how the Lord was teaching her about obedience. And it got me thinking about my present situation and decisions that need to be made.

One thing she said that God was teaching her was that, "Serving God out of love and not obligation or fear is of the utmost importance."

I'm wondering if I am trying to make my decisions because I fear God or feel some sort of obligation. I honestly do want to serve Him because I am so deep in love with Him. But am I using that as the motivating factor in my life?

I'm not really sure, to tell you the truth.

And that's rather unfortunate. Serving Him out of love is such a basic and elementary truth to faith, yet applying it doesn't seem to be for me. I am constantly afraid that I am going to make the wrong decision and move myself to the wrong place doing the wrong thing.

I wonder if I focused more on making my decisions because I love Him as opposed to fearing Him, if my decisions would be much easier. I'm pretty much betting they would.

On the topic of making decisions, here's the latest update. I am probably going up to Colorado Springs at the end of this month to meet with the people up there. Human resources is supposed to be sending me a packet to fill out, but I have yet to receive that. One agency in Houston was interested in me, but the lady who I am in contact with is out of the office until next week (she failed to tell me this 2 weeks ago), so we'll see where that goes. Another Houston agency said they didn't have any availability for an intern, but wished me lucked in my endeavors. I emailed two more agencies in Houston today and within 5 minutes, one had emailed me back and told me they were very interested. The building that I would be working in is 5 minutes from my dad's office. We could carpool and do lunch. Now I know most of you are wondering why I am emailing so many more agencies in Houston than Colorado Springs, but there is good reason for that. Houston is so big that instead of just one large agency serving the area, several agencies have divided up the area (by zip code).

So, basically pray that God's will be made clear to me and that I am willing to follow that will, not out of obligation or fear, but purely because I love Him and have faith in Him and His plans for my life.

On a funny note, I took Ella to Petsmart today to get groomed. Its a very costly service, but very worth it. They give her a bath, brushing, de-shedding, nail clipping, ear cleaning and tooth brushing. I guess $45 is a good price for all of that because most of it I can't do on my own. However, Ella hates going there. You would think being a girl, she would love going to get her hair and nails done, but not so with her. The poor girl who was in charge of Ella's grooming services said that they got all the fur out that they could (it was covering the floor of the place - who said getting a Siberian Husky was a good idea?) but she had gotten very upset towards the end. Also, more than anything, Ella hates having her nails clipped. I used to try to do it, my brother tried it and my dad tried it, but to no avail. I thought surely Petsmart could do it. Again, to no avail. They said Ella was throwing herself off the table to avoid getting her nails clipped. So that didn't get done. She's a mess. I love her anyways, but good grief. What am I going to do with this child? I secretly think that God is preparing me for my own kids someday and this is quite a taste of that! Holy moly.

And thats not all. She is going to be so upset with me. On Thursday, I have to take her back to the vet (it's next door to the grooming place) where she will have a checkup, which includes a heartworm test. She is going to be soooo mad! I think I'll buy her some ice cream from Sonic afterwards. I'm such a sucker.

Anyways, God bless and again, stay dry! When will this rain ever stop??? I keep driving over the Lake Lewisville bridge and I think its going to cover over I35 pretty soon here. That will be quite the disaster.

Memories of War

So a childhood friend of mine is a budding actress and playwright in London. As most of you know, the large majority of my childhood was spent in Saudi Arabia. I was born there, moved when I was almost 3 to the States, moved back to Saudi when I was 6 and left right after my ninth grade year at almost 16.


What most people don't know, is that I lived in Saudi during the Gulf War. Unbelievable to most, but true. So here's my story:

In May (maybe?) of 1990, my parents packed us all up and moved us back to Saudi Arabia. My parents had originally moved there in 1981, I was born there in 1983 and we left in July of 1986, shortly before my brother, Kyle, was born. My first night there, I remember being terrified by the loud jets flying over our house, but they soon became commonplace and I either ignored them or slept through them. I did really want to ride one, though.

I entered kindergarden there and I distinctly remember learning about green eggs and ham and then making it. Of course, it was fake ham (turkey maybe?) because no pork was allowed in Saudi. I remember that and meeting several people who are still my friends today. The first memory I have of my friend Mina is her hanging upside down on the monkey bars and I was very impressed. While still adjusting to life overseas, in August of that year, Operation Desert Storm and the Gulf War kicked off, sending my mother, Kyle and I to live with my Aunt Kathy, Uncle Bill and cousins Billy and Margie in Virginia. I started first grade there. It was a confusing time but all I can remember is my teacher's name was Mrs. Scott and I didn't really know the Pledge of Allegiance all that well because we didn't say it in Saudi. In September, ARAMCO (the company my dad worked for) deemed it safe for women and children to return to the Kingdom to continue on with daily life. I entered first grade there and was in Mr. Reiersgard's class. It was fun. We wrote stories a lot and he had this Yoda figurine that he put on a student's desk if they were having good behavior or doing really well on a certain assignment. We also got to go to Mr. Reynold's class and sing Raffi songs like "Mr. Sun" and "Baby Beluga". I had a deep love for Raffi because of those times in first grade.

Life was reasonably calm for a while. Gas masks were issued to all living on the compound. Employees had to stand in long lines to receive their gas masks for their families. I thought the gas masks were really cool. My mom wasn't such a fan. One time, my brother and I were playing war in our house and put on our gas masks and hid in his closet. My mom found us and started freaking out saying what we were doing wasn't funny or something to be played around with. I guess she was right. At the time, we were just being imaginative kids and acting out daily life. From September to January, there were many skud attacks and sirens went off often. When sirens went off, everyone convened in my parents' huge walk-in closet with our gas masks, water and various snacks. It never really bothered me because I don't think I fully realized what was going on. It was just daily life for me and I didn't realize how abnormal it was compared to my state side counterparts.

In January of 1991, things went from bad to worse. A full out war was on and ARAMCO deemed it not safe for women and children to be in the Kingdom. The men all loaded their wives and children on large military planes and stayed behind to continue working. I vividly remember leaving the country on that huge military airplane. We were traveling with family friends, the Walters and pretty much stuck by them all the way back to the States. The first thing I remember noticing about the plane was that the seats were not like normal airplanes. They were these cot-looking seats lining the sides of the plane and everyone was packed like sardines in there. I don't think they gave us any meals (maybe a few snacks?). I remember eating a lot of gum that night. I swallowed it because I didn't know where the trash cans were. I threw up all the gum when I got to Madrid, Spain. My mom loved that. The plane was very loud and everyone was required to wear ear plugs the entire flight. We tried to sleep but no one could get comfortable. We arrived in Madrid several hours later and were put in hotels around the city. Our hotel was freezing and there was absolutely nothing we could do about it. My mom tried to get it fixed but to no avail. Again, another night without sleep. The next day, we boarded a normal airplane and I think flew to Dallas. I'm not really sure about that. All I remember is my mom crying at the agent's desk because there wasn't a flight available to get to Ft. Myers, FL, where my maternal grandmother lived (and still does). Mrs. Walters stood by her the whole time. I think we finally got on a plane to Miami and then flew into Ft. Myers.

We were in Ft. Myers, living with my grandparents from January until May, where I entered first grade for the third time. I loved being at my grandparent's house but missed my dad horribly. My school was a private Christian school that had uniforms and my teacher was horribly strict and never took the time to explain anything to me. Her name was Mrs. Steinmitz. I tried really hard in her class, but for whatever reason, she never seemed to like me. The girls in the class were snobby too, so I didn't really have any friends for those 5 months. My dad finally came for repat in April and we rented a condo and stayed there until we left. We got to go to Disney World that year, which was such a treat! I got to eat breakfast with the characters and drank really yummy milkshakes. As school was wrapping up for the year in Florida in May, we were getting ready to return to Saudi, where things had settled down enough for everyone to return. I remember all my classmates in Florida being so confused because I kept telling them that school was not over for me and that I wouldn't be finished until July (we were on a year round system in Saudi - I'll explain this to anyone if neccessary). We returned in May and I went right back into Mr. Reiersgard's class. I didn't mind more schooling, because at that point, I loved going to school and didn't mind spending a couple extra months in first grade.

When we returned, things were pretty much back to normal, or as normal as they can be for life in Saudi Arabia. For the next few years, American troops remained stationed very close by. All our holidays (Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc.) were spent hosting troops in our home, giving them a good meal, a comfortable place to nap, a phone call to their loved ones on the home front and just a place to relax and have fun. These were great times! I loved the troops. They played for hours on end with my brother and I, tickling us, letting us try on their gas masks (which were much cooler than ours!) and just being fun. My cat, Ruby, who is still alive to this day (17 years and going pretty strong!) used to play in their boots that were all stacked by our front door. She fit right in there! My mom would also wash their uniforms and layers upon layers of dirt would come out of them. A couple years later, the Army issued letters to all the ARAMCO employees who had hosted troops in their homes thanking them for their willingness to serve our troops. We still have those hanging on our walls.

Also, we were actively involved in a church in Saudi. My dad and his friends would go to all the camps and lead Bible studies and fellowship with the men there. What an amazing, unique ministry opportunity. We often got to tag along, so that was cool to watch. A lot of times, the guys would give us MREs (Meals Ready to Eat) and for whatever reason, all the Aramcons thought they were so cool. They made great camping meals! I'm pretty sure there are still some sentimental Aramcons out there that still have some MREs lying around and I bet they are still good to eat - those things lasted forever! I always thought they were nasty, but everyone around me seemed to think they were treats or something.

One last memory I have is how upset the oil spills made me. I don't remember the details, but I remember watching the news and hating seeing all the animals killed and how mad my parents were at Saddaam Hussein for spilling all that oil. I just remember viewing Saddaam as the enemy, but reading more into his atrocious acts makes me realize how serious that situation truly was. I had no concept of what was going on over there, as would any first grader.

I'm pretty sure I have some more memories of that time somewhere in my brain, but thats all I've got for now. I didn't realize how fun it is sharing part of my unique childhood with others until I was prompted by my friend Kristi to write my memories down for her.

Hope you enjoyed this!

A few good men...

A few weeks ago, Matt preached on the topic of Godly masculinity. And it has kind of made me realize that there are very few men who actively pursue this in their lives. And how easily women are either a)fooled by a pseudo-masculinity or b) are blatantly settling for less than satisfactory. However, this may not be entirely their fault (a lot of it is though...women need to wise up and be patient...more on this later.) Honestly, a lot men (not all) are either lying through their teeth or are just too lazy to pursue what it is to be a Godly man. Now the same can be said of females - they are not always pursuing Godly femininity either, but that is another topic for another post (as well as something I am very passionate about, so don't think I'm just glancing over it).



But I think there really are only "a few good men" out there. And by good men, I mean actively pursuing God, what it looks like to be a man after God's own heart, challenging each other to do the same (iron sharpening iron) and honoring, protecting and loving their Christian sisters. And I think that is why there are so many beautiful Godly women (young and old) out there that have been hurt, abandoned, abused, etc. even within the confines of what was supposed to be a "Godly relationship". And a lot of women are throwing themself into other things to try to pretend like it doesn't matter, they weren't hurt and it isn't worth it to try anymore.



Another thing I've noticed that bothers me is that many women I know have read the book Wild at Heart to try to learn about their brothers, build them up and find out more about them. But how many guys do you know who have read Captivating or books like it? Seriously. Why are women putting forth the effort to try to bridge the gap between genders, but men are complacent and content with just being the world's definition of a man and disregarding, devaluing, disrespecting, etc. all that is feminine?



Please don't take this as a male bashing post. Thats not it at all. I desire to build up the men in my life and feel to some extent, that that is part of being Biblically feminine. But I can't help anyone in any fashion if they aren't willing to try. And that brings on another question - why aren't they willing to try? Are Godly women not worth the effort? And more importantly, is God not worth the effort?



Yes, part of this stems from me being frustrated with my single status. But I'm learning to love this sweet time in my life and cherish it (something I have not previously done, I'll admit). Lamenting about being single gets me nowhere. Pursuing God gets me everywhere, whether a man is involved or not.



Anyways, his topic just got me thinking. A little frustrated with men, honestly. But willing to wait for a man that is actively pursuing God and what it looks like to Biblically masculine. For the time being, I will hold up my end of the deal and pursue God and Biblical femininity. I do hope that this man (now, I realize he won't be perfect - I'm not being idealistic here) comes sooner than later, but thats not up to me. And I'm slowly becoming okay with it not being up to me. I tend to mess things up when I do them, so why not let God take care of this precious thing in my life?



Anyways, in my pursuit to be honest, I have decided that every post, I will share a short bit of something about me that I tend to hide from others in hopes of conformity. You may not care, but its a hard thing for me to do and my current pursuit in life is to challenge myself. Anyways, today's tidbit is this:

• I went to dinner at a restaurant by myself. I took my book (Future Grace by John Piper) and ate my burrito and read. I used to be terrified to do such a thing, but now I am learning to love it. I no longer see it as nerdy or pitiful, but rather a quite enjoyable experience. I get to eat whatever I want, take as long as I want, read my book (reading is a passion of mine) and people watch to my heart's content. I love the quietness this experience brings, even if the restaurant is noisy. Normally I am quite extroverted and feed off the energy of being in the presence of others, but at times, this is a very calming and rewarding experience for me.

And now for the funny story I promised you.

So yesterday, it had been pretty sunny all day. Ella and I had not been walking all week due to the near monsoons coming through our area. Both she and I needed the exercise desparately, so around 7:15 p.m., I put her on her purple leash and we took off on what seemed like a beautiful evening. I did see a few dark clouds in the "distance" but figured they were far enough away that we would be back in time before it started to rain again. Well we had been walking for a good 15-20 minutes and were about that far from the house. The clouds seemed to be getting a bit closer, but I still figured we could make it back in the next 20 minutes, right before the rain set in. As soon as I had that brilliant thought, a torrential downpour began! We started running back to our house, but since I am very much out of shape (a problem I am trying to amend) I had to slow us back down to a walk. Meanwhile, all these cars are driving by looking at me and ella wondering why on earth we would walk in the heavy rain. I'm pretty sure they were smirking to themselves, glad that they had not had Ella's and my misfortune. Ella just kept looking at me like I was being horrible to her, wondering why we were walking in the rain and miffed about the rain ruining her beautiful fur. She moped around the rest of the evening, smelling like a wet dog (ick!). By the time we got back, her and I were literally dripping wet. I have never been so wet from rain in my life. Her and I literally made a puddle in the entry way to our house while waiting for one of my roomates to bring us some towels. My shoes are still wet (24+ hours later). We were a pitiful looking pair. Her with her fur matted down and met soaked to the bone with mascara running down my face. It was quite a memorable walk. That will teach me to try to guage how far the rain clouds are away again. Clearly, I have no concept of telling how far rain clouds are away.

God bless and stay dry!

"A terrible loneliness..."

No, I'm not really lonely. The title is misleading. And I'm not gonna be mopey or grumbly in this post either....more like pensive.

So, everytime I go to church, God speaks through Matt (our pastor) in amazing ways that just somehow find me right where I'm at. God is beyond amazing like that.

Basically, Matt was preaching on how to have a true intimate relationship with Christ and not being content with the surface level spiritual life and relationships that are so easy to fall into, especially in the Bible Belt. And that means opening yourself up, becoming vulnerable, allowing God to break, mold and shape you. And not just half or part way - the whole way. And its hard and lonely there. Two years ago, while I was at Sky Ranch, I somewhat encountered an experience like this. It was so horrible but at the same time one of the sweetest times and the most abundant times I can remember. I learned a lot about myself in that time and enjoyed greater intimacy with the Father. And while it was so awful and so great, I am scared to go back to that place (not Sky Ranch - the "desert" as I like to call the spiritual place I was in). Walking into that desert is scary. Its lonely and its just you and God and dealing with a lot of things you knew you had to deal and a lot of things you didn't realize you had to deal with. So I can understand why a lot of "Christians" refuse to go there. But we need to go there - I need to go there again. Last time, I had the benefit of being discipled as I walked through it. And that was nice. But that is not an option right now, but I need to go there regardless. I desire that intimacy with God so much. I often feel like I try to wrestle with the struggles in my life with everyone and everything but God. Sometimes they are "easier" or more "istantaneous", but they are at best, a temporary analgesic. The truth might disappear for a short time, but it always comes back, and sometimes worse than before because its been artificially put off.

Anyways, another thing (kinda related to the above topic) is how much of a people-pleasing chameleon I am. Its fine to want to please and serve others, but it is unhealthy to take it to the extreme that I do. And I think I've been doing it so long, that others and myself have no clue that I'm doing it. I refuse to say what I think in many situations, although I have a way of diplomatically saying something to please others. Because I do talk a lot and give my "opinions", but sometimes they are not real at all. They are lies. I feel like I'm living a lie often just for the sake of staying in everyone's good graces b/c I cannot bear the thought of having conflict or confrontation occur. But those are the things that, approached in a healthy and loving way, can build deeper and more fulfilling relationships. There are very very few people I am truly myself with, and some of the people I "lie" to are people I consider close friends. I think maybe my brother, Chelsea, Jenni and maybe a few others know the me that isn't lying. Its not that I desire to lie to people. Not at all. I want to know people deeply and for them to know me deeply. But I live in such fear of being different that I too often camouflage who I really am. And unfortunately, its to my own detriment to do this. I shut out people and have very surface level relationships that are not fulfilling in any way. And some people have no idea that I do that. I hide that tendency well. To get this commitment to be more myself and less not myself/lying, here's a list of things I am that I sometimes try to hide from others in order to "fit in":

• I love all things pink and sparkly. Its true. I am girly in almost every sense of the word.
• Politically, I am probably on the more conservative side of moderate. I think George Bush is a great man to be admired, but has made some mistakes (although I think he bears the brunt of a lot of things that are not entirely under his control - he does have a cabinet that influences and advises him, folks). I stand on the conservative side on some issues and the liberal side on others. I avoid political discussions like the plague b/c I think it is silly when people get heated up and say mean things over politics, but don't mind having a nice discussion about it and agreeing to disagree.
• Christ is everything to me. And I believe nothing that has happened, is happening or will happen is apart from Him. I try to make decisions based on His guidance. Some of my actions may not make sense to those who aren't true believers (actively pursuing their faith and relationship with Christ) but please don't think I love you any less or am judging you because I act a certain way.
• I did not drink alcohol until I was 22. Not because I thought it was wrong, but because I had made a commitment to my sorority not to do so while I was an active member. And I've never been drunk. Yes, I do think being drunk is wrong and puts people in undesirable and unsafe situations. Despite the fact that I don't typically like the taste of alcohol and don't drink much at all, I don't think people are wrong for enjoying a good beer, wine, etc. in the company of friends or to help loosen up a little at the end of the day. However, abusing it, getting drunk, idolizing it, etc. are very wrong and it can put you and others at risk. Its a gift from God meant to be used in appropriate ways, like many other things that we have taken for granted and abuse.
• I am a virgin. I believe that sex is another gift from God that is for marriage only. Purity is of utmost importance to me and hate when people make fun of me for prioritizing that in my life. And not just physical purity - emotional, psychological, mental, spiritual, etc. purity too. I've somewhat compromised all of the those on some occassions and regret those occassions, but realize that they have shaped me and taught me about what purity is and is not in my life.
• One more thing for tonight - although I am earneslty and openly trying to be an independent, single woman with my very own identity, one of the very deepest desires of my heart is to be a wife and mother. There are a lot of things I would sacrifice just to have this. I am learning to enjoy my singlehood right now and be grateful for it, but I do often struggle and ache with it too. Honestly, I love planning my wedding. Hard thing to admit, but I do. I don't have anything set in stone, but I love brainstorming for it. I am learning that I sometimes do it to an unhealthy level that causes me to focus to much on the future and not enough on the beauty of the present, but also have asked God to help me with that struggle that I have. Most girls try to hide this struggle behind a facade of independence and self-sufficience (which, again are great things at healthy levels), but like my friend Jenni said, "Us single girls need a support and guidance group for this issue. Everyone tries to cover it up like it doesn't exist!" I know I'm not ready to be married at this point (although I do hope it comes soon...thats a not so secret wish of mine), but know that God has much work left to do on my heart to prepare me for marriage.

Okay, thats enough vulnerability for the evening. I am so tempted to erase all that because of what people might think or say about me, but know that is the exact antithesis of what God is challenging me to change in my life. Also, I don't say the things about not being drunk and being a virgin to claim some spiritual superiority over others. Thats not the case at all. I am just as broken and sinful as the next person. Those are just not sins I have fallen into. My struggles are different and while mentioning sins I haven't so much fallen into, I do mention sins that I have fallen into. "Morality" cannot be equated with sinlessness or righteousness.

Anyways, I am a sucker for comments (they excite me - nerdy, but true!), so leave one for me.

Also, I have a humorous story to share next time I post. You will laugh and fun will be had at Ella's and my expense, but whatever.

God bless and thanks for letting me be honest!

Leftovers...

Some people love to eat leftovers. A lot of people don't. Or they are their last choice when selecting what to eat for dinner. There are some things that I prefer to eat as leftovers like pizza, my mom's spaghetti, chinese food and a few other things. But in general, I don't like leftovers very much and don't know a ton of people who do.

Thats how I'm feeling right now. Like leftovers. Sitting lonely on the shelf, looked over or ignored by everyone or criticized for some quality of mine.

Here's an example. I'm playing on this coed softball team with some people I worked with over the past year. I missed the first game b/c I was out of town, the second one was rained out and then we played last night. Now I'm not a superstar softball player or anything but I'm not horrible. I can throw, field and hit pretty decently. Even though I had told the coaches my experience with softball and what I was comfortable doing or not doing, I was completely ignored. Pretty much it was like I wasn't even there. I was put last on the batting lineup after the guy who didn't want to play and basically all he did was get up off the bleachers to hit when it was his turn. I was an afterthought or they forgot about me and just tacked me on the end or something. They also didn't put me in any position. Finally, my one good buddy on the team, Melissa, offered to switch out with me every other inning. But they automatically placed us in right field. It didn't bother Melissa because she has never played before and is just playing to have something to do. And thats great. But it bothers me b/c I feel like they didn't ask me what I wanted to play (they asked everyone else), assumed that because I'm only 5'1 and pretty girly that I can't play and stuck me in RF as an afterthought. I didn't touch a single ball all night. We didn't even warm up. Now, someone said maybe its because you weren't there for the first game. I wasn't the only one there last night that hadn't been at the first game. And they got to play their preferred position. It was just awful. I know its a silly thing to get upset about, but I feel like I felt last night a lot. Part of it is in my mind, I realize this. And I need to get over it. But I feel like some of it is valid.

Anyways, just had to vent a little bit. I think I'm in a funk anyways and last night and some things that have happened today haven't helped me feel better.

Anyways, I must go make icing and ice my cakes for tomorrow's cake decorating class. Yay for more messes. Haha...

God bless!

Exciting!

So, I had kinda given up on moving to Colorado honestly. Hadn't really heard anything back from anyone I had sent my resume to and maybe figured that was God's way of closing the door on that.

But....

This morning a lady called me and basically said that she was very interested in having me as an intern and we talked for like half an hour about the opportunity. She is sending me a packet from their HR department that they have all their interns fill out and I am sending her my references. It sounds promising.

But...

I think I have a big decision coming and the way things are looking it will either be Houston or Colorado Springs. There are pros and cons to each that make it hard to make a decision (which is a weakness of mine in the first place)

Colorado Springs
pros - amazing place to live, good internship opportunity, adventurous, somewhere I could see myself setting down roots, a lot of people my age, outdoorsy

cons - pay is most likely less than Houston if I get a job there, no job guaranteed after my internship, less financial support during my internship from parents, don't know many people up there

Houston

pros - higher pay if I get a job, more guarantee of a job (maybe), friends and family close by, more financial support from parents during internship (I could live with them), familiarity with area

cons - I don't like Houston, not as adventurous, I don't want to get stuck there

What do y'all think? I mean everything is still in the preliminary stages, so things could change before I actually have to make a decision, but these are my inital thoughts based on the direction things are going at this point.

Anyways, despite the debate, I am really excited that things are getting moving for my internship. Be praying that God will show me where I need to be and that I will follow Him, no matter what.

God bless!

Prayer

"...prayer is not all about how long we can stay on our knees. It is more to do with developing a resonance between our spirit and the Holy Spirit (Romans 8: 26-28) allowing outrageously free intercession. It can happen 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and in this way, there’s no need for it to stop."

~When Would Jesus Do, Andrew Horton, Relevant Magazine~

More to come on this topic later....I love the idea of resonance between our spirit and the Holy Spirit. What a sweet idea that is...

Broken ears

Then Jesus said, "He who has ears to hear, let him hear." ~Mark 4:9~

I think my ears are broken.

Seriously.

Because I can't hear anything.

Or maybe I'm just refusing to do so....

I have been praying for months about where to go and what to do next. But with no answers. I've come up with some ideas and a few half-baked opportunities have presented themselves, but nothing solid as of yet. And even the half-baked ones overwhelm me and I have no clue what to do with them.

I think the anxiety that I allow to rise up w/ in me with every new opportunity speaks too loudly so I can't hear God's sweet, gentle voice speaking to me.

And I feel like I've been doing this for a while. My brother is on a mission trip to Thailand and I'm jealous of him and mad at myself for not seeking out those opportunities while in college. I just went home to Houston every summer except for the last one and was pretty miserable for the most part. But that time has passed and I don't want to live with regrets. However, I do want to take that and make sure I don't sell myself short of an abundant life in the present and in the future.

But where do I find that abundant life? Colorado? California? Houston? Elsewhere?

I have a lot of friends and my parents in Houston and that sounds great. I could have adventures there. I do hate the city of Houston, but love my friends and family. But I don't want to go somewhere and be lonely. But I want adventure and the life abundant.

But I think I'm doing too much of the talking and not any listening.

I'm in such a quandry (and yes, I said quandry...I'm a nerd and love fun words....but I'm okay with that).

Any advice for maybe the most confused girl ever?

God bless!

Sleep is good...

For whatever reason, I slept a ton this weekend. No reason. Just did. Its unusual for me too because I'm not much of a sleeper. But I slept a lot this weekend for no apparent reason. I'm not working, so I'm sleeping enough during the week. Very unusual. But I guess my body needed it. It sure did feel good. Lazy. But good.

Otherwise, this weekend was a pretty good one. Yesterday, Ashley and I went to Transform @ the Village's new campus in Denton. Although their original plans got rained out, it was still a sweet time of prayer and worship. I also sat next to a group of girls my age who all are in the same home group and they invited me to come. So even though I'm probably only here for 2 more months, at least I'll have fellowship with what seems like a really fun and down to earth group of girls. Praise Him. After that, Ashley and I both came home and took really long naps. We then did some stuff around the house, met the great Meghan Merchant (she's a rockstar, really) @ Red Robin for dinner. Very yummy. I've only been there once before, but I loved it. We went to church after that. It was a good service. The worship was amazing as usual and the message, powerful. After that, we came home and Ashley baked some brownies and I made my icing for my cake decorating class that was today. We were going to do one of my exercise videos/DVDs but my hips and back were really achey for some odd reason.

Today, I slept in way late (well, for me at least). I got ready and then went to cake decorating class. That was pretty fun. Royal icing is hard to work with sometimes, but it sure does make pretty flowers. Since it was rainy and humid today, everyone's icing was acting funny, but overall, it was fun. Our final class is next week and we are making are finale cake. Unfortunately, our instructor wants us to make the one in the book and I think it is a super ugly cake, but oh well. It will taste good and will have some pretty flowers on it. Hopefully, I can make pretty cakes later on b/c I practiced on this one. This one is just to flowery and not well designed at all. After cake class, I came home and Ella was bouncing off the walls. Since it had finally stopped raining, her and I went for a walk so I could get some much needed exercise and she could burn some energy. After that, I worked on some homework, made a real dinner (not just heated up a frozen one or ate a sandwich for once!) and now I'm back to homework/blogging. I'm a very exciting person as you can tell by my eventful and exciting weekend. Haha. I need a life.

Speaking of life. Still waiting to hear back from the places I've contacted and waiting for God to reveal to me where exactly He wants me. I honestly have no clue. Honestly, Houston seems like the easiest at this point, but am I selling myself short like I've felt I've done in the past for something easy? Or does God really want me there, despite me thinking of it as lack of adventure? I dunno. I really am just focusing on seeking His face first of all and then having faith that He will make the rest just be clear to me and fall into place. The unknown is scary but what a sweet time it is proving to be. I feel like I'm wandering around in the desert, but God is meeting me there and speaking sweet words of love and wisdom to me (see Habbakuk). I hate it but I love it at the same time.

God bless!

Steeeeerrrrriiiikkkeee!

I went bowling tonight with Ashley and another friend. I love bowling (despite the fact that I stink at it). Hence, the title of this post. No other reason. I did get two strikes though, so I'm very proud of myself. :0)

Anyways, on goes the saga of me trying to figure out where I need to be come this fall. The guy in CA from Young Life called me today and talked to me a little about the position, life in the OC (I didn't realize they actually called it that), cost of living (don't get me started) and about Young Life and Capernaum's vision in general. Tomorrow, he will be calling me back to kinda hear my story, where I'm coming from and what I'm thinking. I told my dad about it and he immediately went to financial concerns, which are founded, but unsupportive kind of. I mean I know he just wants the best for me and doesn't want to see me struggle financially, especially with a bachelor's degree from Baylor and a graduate degree. Even the guy I was talking to told me upfront that this job was like a "glorified peace corps". But, even though finances are important, I wish that wasn't everyone's first comment. I don't know. I also emailed some people in Houston about an ECI internship and actually got a response back from one of them requesting more information and telling me that she might be interested. Thats the first response I've gotten for ECI internships. And even though I was originally not thinking Houston, I felt a strange peace and excitement come over me getting her email. I don't know. I'm so confused. But God will make His will known. Thats today's update on that situation.

Otherwise, life today was homework, homework, job searching, more homework. My life is thrilling really. I know everyone wants to be me. Hehe...

God bless!

Holding on for dear life!

So, have you ever been tubing (like the tube tied to a speed boat and it drags you behind it)? I've been a couple times and its a crazy, exhilirating, frightening (and occassionally painful) experience. You hold onto those handles at the front of the tube for dear life and basically go wherever the driver of the boat decides he/she wants to take you and how fast/slow he/she goes. Sometimes you fly off and sometimes (this hasn't really ever happened to me) you hang on until its the next person's turn. Fun is had by all.

The above experience is what I am equating life with today. I got an email this morning from Capernaum (Young Life) saying that the intern position in Seattle had just been filled (after being posted for 2 months) but that my application would be emailed to the national office in case anyone was looking for someone like me. I was okay with that and knew God had it under control (and was a little scared of Seattle and the rain there anyways), so didn't really give it much more thought. Well that changed tonight during class. I looked down at my phone and realized I had a missed call and a message from a number I didn't recognize. So during our break, I listened to my message and almost fell out of my chair when I heard it. It was the regional director for Young Life in Orange County, CA. The first thought that came to my head was the show "Real Desperate Housewives of Orange County" being as that is my only knowledge of that part of the country (I went once when I was 8 and all I remember is spraining my ankle when jumping from the top of a bunk bed) so yeah. Basically, they just have opened a position to work with Capernaum (again - thats the division of Young Life that works with youth with disabilities - right up my alley) for their club of 45-50 youth. And get this - its not only an intern position - its an area director position. I am so humbled that they would even consider me. No job offers have been made or anything and I haven't called the guy back yet (thats tomorrow morning so pray for me!) but how cool! I would have to talk to my advisor to make sure this position would count as my field experience/internship but I think it would because not only is it working with the kids (which I'm really most excited about), but also with their parents, other volunteers, donors, committees, etc. Now a move to CA definitely scares me a tiny bit (okay maybe more than a tiny bit) but ya' know - God's got it under control. He knows I'm scared even about the possibility of this happening. I want to follow Him wherever (even if I feel like I'm on a wild ride!) but thats exciting to me. I haven't felt this excited about something in a long time. Even though its just a thought right now, its still exciting. I guess I just ask that you, my faithful readers, pray that God's will be made known to me as I walk through these steps, that my fear and anxiety would not control those steps but that I would let God do that and that I am obedient no matter what. I don't want to be distracted or afraid of the "wind" like Peter was in the story I posted yesterday but fully believing and keeping my focus on Him and not being of little faith as well as being okay with abandoning all to follow Him.

Anyways, I do want to profoundly apologize if all this has come as a surprise to you because a lot of you are my close friends. Actually, none of this really even happened until like 2 or 3 days ago, so its a surprise to me too. I just happened to be on Young Life's website looking for a job for a friend of mine and started looking at other jobs on there too and like I said, felt compelled to apply. I beg your forgiveness for my lack of communication but between the endless amounts of time I am putting in on my school work these days and the fast pace that life is changing at these days, I haven't really had time to update anyone (my parents don't even know this stuff yet - my dad just knew I had put in an application for Seattle but thats as far as it goes) so yeah.

Hope life is well for y'all (if I move, can I still say y'all?? even though I'm not Texan by nature, I still like to say it) and God bless! Mucho love!

Sweet times in daily life

So I decided that I want to update this on a more regular basis. I used to just wait until I was ready to make a huge post about something significant, but I feel like daily life right now is significant. I like when other people write on a pretty regular basis, so I think I will do the same.

Life lately has consisted of school work and thats pretty much it. I babysit for a family every Tuesday night and really am enjoying that. They have a 3 year old and an 18 month old, both boys who are the cutest, sweetest best behaved kids ever. They love to cuddle and are very laid back so fun times are had by all when I am over there.

Today, I applied for an internship with Young Life's division for youth with disabilities, called Capernaum. Its in Seattle, a place I had originally ruled out as a place to move, but I felt really compelled to apply, even if nothing comes of it. But God is challenging me to do things that scare me, so I did it somewhat out of obedience. Although this internship is different than what I have been planning, it is something I think I would love and be passionate about and would also probably count for my internship to finish my Masters. I'm still looking at different places in Colorado (which I loved!), but am trying not to limit the places God can take me. Him and I have been battling it out the past few days. My fear and anxiety and desire for what is "comfortable" has been very controlling lately and I think God is really trying to push me out of that so I can see what He can do. I feel something big on the horizon. It may not be a big thing to anyone else, but it might be to me. I was reading in Matthew 14 yesterday where Peter walks on the water and then falls because he becomes afraid of the wind and doubts God's power over it and decided that that story was a very accurate description of what I am walking through right now. Here's the excerpt I was reading (its Matthew 14:25-31):

During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.
But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."
"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."
"Come," he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

How amazing is our God? Even though I basically sit at home all day working endless hours on school work (or finding ways to avoid it), He has been speaking to me in profound and deep ways that I haven't experienced in a long time. How sweet it is.

Anyways, because all I do is school work basically, there isn't really much else to say. So the end for today.

God bless!