~ 1 Corinthians 15:58 ~
Something I've been challenged more than ever with this year is standing firm and being who God has created me to be. I just feel like that while I'm trying to please God and live a life worthy of the calling, I simultaneously live a life that is aimed at pleasing man and fitting in. I change who I am to fit in with whoever I am with. I pretend to like things that I don't, I change my accent depending on where I'm living (something I've done since age 3), and I say things that I don't mean. But I guess what really gets me is that I don't stand firm in my faith. I pretend like its not a big deal when I'm with some people and act like its the biggest deal when I'm with others. Faith isn't about pleasing or impressing others. It bothers me that at work that they don't think I take my Christian faith as seriously as I do. I hide it. Why!?!?! So I can fit in and not stick out. Gross. I'm very good at playing the part of the chameleon. On one hand, thats a strength meaning I'm adaptable to whatever situation I'm in. However, I think it is definetely a weakness because I don't stand firm in what I do and don't believe. No one knows who Lara really is - they just know whatever face I put on for them. And its funny because something I admire most in others is authenticity and genuineness. I want honesty from others but don't live up to that expectation myself. I want people to appreciate me for what God has created me to be, imperfections and all. I sometimes wonder if (slash know) that is why I struggle with moving to a new place and meeting new people. And also why I've never had a serious relationship past a month and a half. I want to be comfortable with me and not care whether its pleasing others or not. Why do I have this overwhelming obsession with appearing perfect and pleasing to man even though I know I'm not and know it is displeasing to God?
Again, a bunch of random thoughts thrown together. But on my heart nonetheless.
Happy March everyone!
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