Overheard in the special ed class...

C (my student): I can't wait to get married!

Me: Why do you want to get married, C?

C: So I can live with her!

Me: Why do you want to live with her?

C: Because she is sooo cute!

Me: Why do you think she is cute?

C: Because she is so nice all the time.

Me: What is her name?

C: Um, um, um....I can't really remember.



I love my sweet, special little friends. The little boy I had this conversation with is about the most precious thing ever! Its conversations like the one above that just make my day! I just had to share.

First day of school! First day of school!

Now if only I could have the kind of energy and enthusiasm that Nemo exudes about returning to school! Don't get me wrong - I am excited for my kids to come. But nervous too... we shall see how tomorrow goes. I can't believe it is here. I think it will be a good one. My kids seem a little more busy than my ones last year, so I think I will be very busy and very tired. But they seem endearing each in their own way. I've met 3 of them and they all have very cute little personalities in their own right. Hopefully I will remember that when they are giving me a run for my money :0)

So it seems that I feel inspired to blog about once a month. Actually, I feel inspired far more often than that, but am easily distracted and only seem to put my inspiration into action about that once a month. Just think how much I could get accomplished if I put my inspiration into action every time I was inspired to do something, not just blogging. Goodness.

This past month has been...trying. And I can't really pin it to one event or moment, but I just feel like I'm struggling to stay afloat. Thank goodness the Lord is there to do the treading for me. I've just been kind of uncharacteristically blue and melancholy and am unsure why. But one thing it has done is that is has forced me to press into Him, constantly turning each thought and action over to Him. I think some refining and pruning is probably taking place. I think its been hard to because I feel like its over the same stuff I've always battle and have seen Him victorious over it in my life before. Frustrating! Right now, I'm in a week or two of pulling back from my normal activity level so I can rest, be filled and listen to His sweet voice guide, comfort, soothe and discipline me. Its hard because I am having to give up that control that I like to hold onto so often, but it is sweet...sweetly broken. Now you know where the name of my blog comes from. Because its in these seasons that I've been in before where I am just hurting and crying out but it is sweet like nothing else.

Anyways. This summer was good. I am sad and happy see it come to a close. I enjoyed the freedom, the abundant relationship-building opportunities, the ability to be spontaneous and the physical rest it brought. But I missed the structure and routine I so often crave, the ability to minister to my sweet special ones and just feeling like a real adult. Having summers off is definitely something that makes me regress into a much younger pattern. But its good. I haven't had a summer off since I was a senior in high school, so I liked it. And it will come again. After the next nine months of hard work.

Something I have been pondering lately is confidence and honesty. Several close friends have semi-confronted me with my inability to be honest about how I feel about things sometimes. Like I'm hiding. And that really bothers me. I hate that I revert to that hiding from others. And a lot of it stems from a lack of confidence in who He has created me to be and where He has placed me for this season. I hate that I am not confident of His creation and His purpose. I think part of it stems for that perfectionist drive that I can't seem to shake but know it is far from attainable for me. Ugh. I want to be confident. I want to be honest. I want His light to be able to shine through me in that, whether I'm doing right or wrong. But if I am hiding and not allowing others to see that, that is a far worse thing, I feel. But it keeps me humble - one thing I pray for daily.

Okay, so that was a long and rambly post. I'm just pensive. Thinking things over and over. Allowing Him to sift my thoughts. Today I was reading in Proverbs and came to the part where it said that it talks about all mans' ways being laid out before Him. I like that. Its scary, but good. He works in that.

Well, I am off to church tonight. Have a blessed week, especially to all my fellow teachers who are going to greet their sweet/sometimes not-so-sweet ones as they file out of cars, buses and off the crosswalks. Love!

Hot days in July

Hey friends (whether real or virtual)!

How are things? Summer life has been good. Hot but good. Htown has been blessed with some rain over the past few days, which while it is still muggy and hot, at least it is some much-needed moisture for our parched city!

Here's life these past few weeks:

1. Houston Project - Every year, my church does this city-wide missions event where we partner with churches around the city who are in low-income areas and help to support them and make connections within their communities. This is my 2nd year to participate and I loved it. Last year, I was the VBS coordinator for the site we were at, but this year I decided to take on a different kind of role and it was amazing. I served on the prayer team and got to spend each evening just praying over the church, the VBS classrooms, the community, etc. and getting to watch God move in big ways through that. I've been really pressed lately to step up my prayer life lately, so this was one way I could do that and oh my word, I know this, but HE IS FAITHFUL! Wow. On the last night of the week, I took on a role that I really wasn't expecting to take on, nor did I want to - I DROVE THE BUS! A little known secret about me is that I have commerical driver's license from my tour guide days at BU. Well, sometimes your friends leak your secrets and you end up driving enormous buses with really small engines on the streets of Houston. Eek! It was good though. Totally covered in prayer, I gave my tremendous anxiety about this to the Lord and He saw me through it safely and smoothly. Here is the picture proof below:

2. Small group - I've been co-leading a small group for some of the girls in my Bible study class and it has been such a good blessing. I just feel like over the weeks, we have begun to be real and deep and encouraging with each other and that is such a blessing. Women can be super mean to each other, so it is a refreshing blessing to have this and the material we are going through (Me, Myself and Lies by Jennifer Rothschild) is kicking my butt and make me wrestle and squirm with a lot of issues in my heart and mind. Its painful at times, but I love it!

3. Time with friends - This is the first time since high school that I haven't worked a summer. The rest and the freedom and the time to spend on relationships has been good. I've gotten to go do some really fun things, have spent maybe a little too much money, but I have thoroughly enjoyed myself. I didn't get done everything I wanted to for this summer, but oh well. I still have 2 weeks - haha! I need to start getting myself back into work mentality so I can be ready for the newness that awaits me for this year.

4. Living alone - still going okay. I kinda get spooked at times and get bored at times, but I like it overall. Just an adjustment. I still wish I had a backyard for Ella but I try to take her out a lot when I am home. I just need to be cautious not to be out too much, so she doesn't get lonely! Poor thing.

I think that is it for now. The Lord has been doing some neat things this summer and I love it. How has your summer been going?

Cooking ahead of time

Attention all kitchen-masters/kitchen master wannabes!

So, in an attempt to make my life easier during the school year, I am looking for recipes that freeze well in single serving sizes. I would like to cook a lot this summer and then fill my freezer with homemade frozen dinners. I despise Lean Cuisines but enjoy the ease they bring to life, so why not do that for myself? I so far just have baked macaroni and cheese with veggies mixed in and thats good. Any ideas that are budget-friendly, healthy lifestyle-friendly and tasty? My macaroni and cheese is made with whole wheat noodles, low fat ingredients and frozen vegetables mixed in. Its a little bland, but I add a little salt of other flavoring and it isn't too bad. I will probably do some sort of soup (I have a really great recipe for chicken tortilla soup) soon as well. What are your ideas? I'm really trying to not eat out, but sandwiches are hard for me to do every night. And I love love love cooking, so I want to get that out now while I have the time to invest in it.

Anyways, let me know your ideas. Love you!

In the summertime..

...it is hot!

You'd think growing up in one of the hottest desserts on earth, I'd be okay with our Houston summers, but goodness, it is awful! I am ready for winter to come back now. I love sweaters and blankets and all things cuddly. None of that is good in 105 degree heat. If electricity weren't so expensive, I would turn down my AC just so I could wear that stuff.

Anyways, here's what I have been up to this past month or so:

• Moving into my new apartment and spending lots of money to get it set up - I had nothing besides my bedroom furniture and a papasan chair! I do like living by myself, but it does get a little boring at times, especially since I am not having TV, but I think it is a good thing.
• Spending lots of time with favorite people - I don't always get to do this when I am working, but I am getting to do lunch dates and coffee and see movies and lay out and stay out way late and I love it.
• Women's retreat in San Antonio - it was a blast! I love planning stuff like that and hope to do it again soon!
• Working out - I'm semi-attempting to do Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred and its going okay when I do it. Its a tough 20 minutes! I'm not even joking. But I do mix it up with personal training, kickbox classes and volleyball with friends.
• Reading - oh the love of my life! I miss it when I don't have time for it!
• Small group - we are doing some exciting things in our women's small groups this summer and I just love how the Lord is moving and working in the lives of the women.

Here's what I hope to do for the rest of the summer:

• Lesson plans and making materials for next year. I don't particularly want to, but know it will make my life much much easier starting out in August with my new campus and new sweet ones!
• Sewing curtains - no progress has been made here, but I really want to do it!
• Take one more road trip - not sure where or when, but I want to go! Maybe not sitting still for 1.5 hours on I-10 again, though. That wasn't fun.
• Cooking and baking - done some, but want to do more! I love it!
• Time with old friends - Jenny, Audrey, Mina, etc. I get really busy with my friends from church, but I really want to be intentional about spending time with some of my oldest and most precious friends!
• Lose a little more weight - vain, but summer is the best time for me to do it because I really have no excuse for lack of time!
• Astros games - I'm going to one tomorrow, but really want to go to more!
• Finish all the projects I've previously started but never finished!

Okay, I'll do a more indepth post next time. How are your summers going? Love you!

Last Day of the First Year

Oh my. Today at 12:40, I packed up my sweet little ones and put them on the bus for the very last time this year. We gave hugs. We said goodbye. I wished them well at their new school, which they just smiled sweetly and said "ok, Ms. Stewart", not really comprehending what the phrase "new school" means or even that they will not be coming to school tomorrow. Such is the life of a cognitively challenged child. I slowly walked back to my classroom full of like 50 boxes, trying not to cry (I didn't - so proud of me!).

Today was bittersweet. What a sense of accomplishment I am feeling for making it to the finish line of my first year of teaching. I am ready for summer. I am ready for rest. I am ready to do all those things on my to do list that I have been meaning to do since 10 months ago. I am ready to see friends that I have put off for lack of time.

But I was not ready to see these precious spirits who have slowly worked their way around my heart this past year get on that bus and go. And you know, I didn't become attached until right before I was told I wouldn't be getting them back next year. Even on the most horrible of days with them, I still love them and love investing in them and watching them grow and seeing the small successes that everyone else wouldn't consider anything noteworthy.

I wish I could post their pictures so you could see R, E, O, S and H's sweet faces. You know, a lot of teachers have a favorite, but I don't think I could have picked one this year. Each of them had their endearing and not-so-endearing qualities. They all were my favorites. I guess it is good I only had 5 students!

And you know, I never thought I would love teaching as much as I do. I NEVER saw myself as a teacher growing up, in college or even in grad school. I knew I loved my special kiddos, but teaching them was not what I saw for myself. I am so joyful and grateful that the Lord saw differently.

I'm excited about next year and the changes and the new bunch of sweet faces it brings. I am sad that this unexpected change of campuses occurred, but there are just some job hazards in special education that you can't do anything about. Change and movement is one of them and I unfortunately fell victim to it, but I guess its a lot easier now than it would be 2-3 years from now when I was even more attached to the kids.

Anyways, I just wanted to reflect for you a little on one of the biggest, hardest, most challenging, joyful years thus far in my 25 and some odd months of life.

Much love and look for more posts soon because posting more often is on that to do list from 10 months ago when I got myself into this!

Flooding and cute cartoons

I thought this was super cute. I found it on a friend's blog. I unexpectedly am off work today because of major major flooding in my area. I've never seen anything like it before. I'm just waiting now to be able to get out of my neighborhood. My area is getting a lot of attention on the news because we seemed to have been hit the hardest. Yikes. You know its bad when all the area school districts have closed schools on a major TAKS testing day. Oi vey.

Well, go to www.awomansworld.com and make your own cute character. I thought this one was fairly close to me, except they didn't have any cute short curly hair...just one that looked like a fro/mop. So I am wearing straight hair.

Have a lovely day! More exciting blog posts coming soon...I've been storing up my thoughts!

I'm in love....

....with China!

Sorry. That was a mean trick. I missed April Fool's so I thought I'd get a quick trick in.

Anyways, now that I have been back 2 weeks, I decided it was high time for an update. Leading up to this trip, life was just hard. Not neccessarily bad - just hard. The week before, I felt very heavily spiritually attacked and was kind of anxious going into up until about 2 days before the trip. However, once we got there that all left and wow...what a trip. The biggest thing I can say is that I never have observed the power of the Lord work in such a mighty way in such a concentrated amount of time. I just don't have the words to describe it. I loved my English students and getting to share life and Jesus with them. They were so eager and so hungry and it was just amazing. I can't wait to go back! And I'm not even playing. I was kind of waiting for the high to come down, but as it comes down, I still miss it terribly there. I was not ready to leave the Sunday we left. I could sit down and write all the details of the trip but that would be a tremendously long post and a lot to type. Maybe I'll do it bit by bit on here. But I feel like when I say I will write things on here, I never do it. So no promises. Just know that my heart is in China right now, not where I expected it to be.

Hope y'all are doing well! Blessings!

Battles

So I just got back from my church singles retreat this weekend. Fun times were had - sunburns, softball, 80s prom dresses, sweet friends and the Holy Spirit. It doesn't get much better than that. Staying up til 2am on a nightly basis is not the norm for me, but I sucuumb to peer pressure far too easily and was up way way way late both nights there. And up by 7 or 7:30 each morning. Ugh. Bed time tonight will be roughly 8:30, if I make it that long. I have to sleep tonight or this week will be a nightmare!

Anyways, something thats been on my mind recently. Do you ever just feel like your life is kind of in battle mode on all fronts? I just have been fighting that feeling a lot lately. Even keeping my room clean is a battle of major proportions. Between the retreat, getting ready for the wedding I'm in this weekend, work and China, my room literally looks like a bomb went off in it. I hate it and it stresses me out, but the motivation to keep it clean is very low.

Work feels like a battle too. Its one thing after another. I feel like I am never quite doing anything right or I am always missing something that I should have known but no one mentioned to me. Every day I get emails stating, "Ms. Stewart, you need to take care of this." or "Ms. Stewart, you were supposed to do this." I get phone calls too. Its so frustrating to feel like you are working so hard for your students yet getting nowhere. I know without a doubt that this is where the Lord wants me right now, but it feels yuck right now.

Ministry is a battle right now. I just feel like I am never doing enough for the people I am supposed to be ministering too. I didn't feel worthy of this position when I was asked to do it and still don't feel like it, but for whatever reason, the Lord has chosen to use me here and now. I just wish I felt more confident in doing it. Not prideful. I still want to maintain a spirit of humility and servanthood. I just wish I felt like I knew more of what I was doing and more of a Godly woman to be able to do this job. I love it a lot, but it is hard.

Along those lines, relationships feel like a battle too. New ones. Old ones. I feel like I haven't had a deep conversation in weeks, something I crave. Depth is lacking and I don't like it. I don't know if it is I don't have the time to invest or others don't have the time or a combination of the both, but it is hurting. I was at the retreat this weekend, prime time for relational development and I just had this lack of desire to reach out and invest time in those relationships. I wanted to be lazy. I stuck around people I don't have to make much of an effort with because relating to them is easy. I felt ugly about that. I don't like when I'm like that. I was in hiding and reverting back to grounds that the Lord has given me victory in my life. Yuck.

I am leaving for China in 12 days and my previous excitement about that has kind of faded and I hate that. I don't want this amazing opportunity to fall in my battle category as well, but sadly it is. Maybe as the day draws nearer, I will feel more excited but right now the last minute details are eating at me. Yuck.

Lastly, contentment is a battle. Why can't I just be okay with God and where He has me and what He is doing? And go with the flow on it? Yes, I know I should always have a certain holy dissatisfaction with myself, but I should not have that with God. And that feels ugly too be discontent. He is enough - always has been always will be. Why can't I allow Him to convince me of that? Hasn't He done enough? He paid it all, after all.

So I'm ready for life to stop being such a battle. I just feel like I'm stuck in the mud and not moving anywhere and low on motivation to do so. Ew. Do y'all ever feel this way? Especially when you feel like your life is richly blessed and yet still struggle like this? Double ew.

Look alikes?

Several people have told me like in the past week that I look like the actress Gillian Anderson (aka Scully from XFiles). One guy told me he was trying to decide if he should ask for my autograph...haha. What's your vote? Does she look like me? I hope this is a good thing!

Seriously...a month and a half??? What kind of blogger am I???

Oh my friends. I am so sorry. I was telling Chelsea earlier today that I just love to write on my blog about my thoughts and updates in life and funny little stories and whatnot. However, if I don't update on a regular basis (like weekly), I get overwhelmed by the amount of information I have to share and just don't blog. So, from here on out, I will try to better and not let it lapse. Here's a look at the past month and a half or so...

* Started my second semester of teaching and despite being impossibly tired and overwhelmed by the building demands of my job, I still love it. I feel completely at peace that this is where the Lord would have me at this point in my life even though I never planned on being here. I feel a little more confident in knowing what I am doing and am really able to enjoy my students. I still struggle with feeling like there is so much more I could be doing with and for them, but realize I need to take things a day at a time, set my priorities for them and let those good but extra things come with time. Next year will be interesting though because my class size will increase significantly. I have 5 students right now and will 7-9 next year. For a classroom like mine, that is a significant increase and you never know what kinds of things those extra students will bring into the classroom. I am getting more because a Life Skills class on another campus is being closed by the district and my campus is the receiving school. I am very very nervous about this but kind of excited at the same time. At least I have really great job security - something which not a ton of people can say in today's economy.

* I bought a new car at the end of January! It is a blue 2009 Nissan Versa SL (I will post some pictures at the bottom of this post) and I really love it. I was going to wait a while to buy a new car, but just felt like now was a better time and some things were lining up so it made sense. I sold my Buick just today and will start making monthly payments on the new car in March. I feel like a grown up now. My mom even cried when I was buying my car - she told me she couldn't believe that one day I was in diapers and the next am buying a car on my own. Good grief. But I am excited. It is a wonderful car and it fits me and my needs very well. Now if only Ella would stop shedding and getting fur in it. Ugh.

*In March (over spring break), I will be going to China for a week to teach English. I am beyond excited! My friend, Huan (who grew up in China), is leading the trip and asked me a few months back to consider going. After a month of praying through it and going back and forth, I felt that it was somewhere the Lord was leading me. Several people from my Sunday Bible study are going with me and then some new friends from other Bible studies are coming. It is really neat how each person was brought to the team and how the Lord is knitting us together. I love it! A lot of people have asked me why I seem to be going/considering so many missions opportunities lately. Well, for one, my heart is one for overseas missions. I don't feel called to anything long term for the moment, but my heart is definitely passionate about what the Lord is doing around the world. Also, I would never go somewhere I didn't feel the Lord wanted me. I know this comes quickly after my trip to Guatemala, but you know, the Lord said yes, so did I. Lastly, I feel like the older I get, the less my opportunities to do something like this might be. I really regret in college not pursuing opportunities for missions and such over the summers. Well now I am at a point in my life where I am not being held accountable to a husband or kids and have some free reign over the decisions in my life. So I want to use this precious time the Lord has given me now to pursue those passions, so that if/when He brings me to those other points in my life, I won't look at this time with regret over missed opportunities.

*Ministry wise, I am very excited and love what the Lord is doing. I still am serving as the Women's Coordinator for my class and since January, have really been feeling settled into the role. Two of my close guy friends were appointed the co-directors of our class, so it allowed the men's coordinator and I to be freed of some of the responsibility we were carrying while without a director. I am getting to invest in the lives of these precious women and it just makes my heart incredibly happy. It is hard at times, but I love it. I still am humbled that the Lord would use me in this role, but am so thankful He is.

*I just have to share about Valentine's Day 2009. I was blown away. I didn't have a date - I had 14! Haha...let me explain. The men of our class put on a dinner for the ladies. We did not lift a finger! It was beautiful! They had candles and flowers and menus and everything set out for us. They served us our drinks, food, etc. After we ate (pretty good food, too...especially the cake they got!), they sat us down and spoke some words of thanks and appreciation to us as women. Then, two guys in our class who have amazing voices, sang us two songs, one of which they wrote for us! So precious (pretty sure they wouldn't like that I just used that word!)! It was so amazing. I have never met men in my life who are so passionately pursuing the Lord and have beautiful hearts of servants. I told them that they treated us ladies in a way that evening that we dream of when we are little girls. They made us feel appreciated, loved and treasured, something every woman desires. Many of us in the room had never had a Valentine's day and some of us have had it, but had been treated very badly by guys. So it was just refreshing, holy and amazing. I can't say enough about the evening. If you get a chance, go look on my facebook page at the pictures that my friend, Huan, took of the evening. They capture the sweetness of it very well. I just had to share about this amazing evening.

Okay, I think I will wrap up here and leave you with a few pictures. Love you!

^China team!

Not what I expected...

Okay, so my next post was totally gonna be about Guatemala. And the one after that was going to be about some of the things the Lord is teaching me right now in life. And maybe a post about some goals/resolutions/ideas for the new year.

But as a lot of life goes, this post isn't what I expected to be making.

My mom is back in the hospital. On New Year's Eve, my dad called me in the morning and said they were taking my mom to the ER for shortness of breath. Oh, and I sincerely apologize now to any of my close sweet friends that are finding out like this. If you have ever had a medical emergency or anything in the family, you realize that sometimes it just isn't possible to call/text everyone and keep up. So its not that I didn't want to tell or didn't think you were close enough to tell. Its just life is crazy right now, so don't be too mad at me! Anyways, turns out the blood clots she had on her lungs in May came back. Yuck. Just as serious, just as life threatening. And just as scary.

I am not sure why and I am sure the Lord has His purpose, but again, He has saved my mom again. Most people who get this - pulmonary embolisms - don't even have a warning and die very suddenly. I have even had friends whose parents passed away from it. I am not sure how that makes me feel. Very mixed emotions. Grateful that I am not losing my mom, for sure. I have watched too many friends grieve over the loss of a parent taken too soon. Scared because who knows when He won't choose to let her live. I know my mom's health is horrendous so I'm kind of always on edge about her life anyways. I don't know. It was just a sobering way to spend the New Year.

So yeah. Just be praying. Pray that she continues to heal. She spent 2 days in the ICU and now they have moved her down to a regular room and are waiting for some level in her blood to hit 2.0. Then she can go home. She is breathing much better. So healing is happening. Pray that she will be motivated to care for herself. This time wasn't necessarily her fault, but its source comes from a preexisting condition that was. Pray that I am not bitter about her health. To be uncomfortably honest, I get very upset and bitter about my mom and her health. It is not a Godly attitude and something I struggle with a lot and need to surrender on almost a daily basis. Its hard watching someone literally kind of waste their life away and do nothing and care to do nothing about it. Especially when it has been a lot of your life. So you are seeing my weakness and vulnerability here, but I do need prayer in that area of my life.

Anyways. New Year's was fun. My parents told me to go out anyways. I went to the Rockets game and after party with my singles ministry at church. Pretty cool. Not so much a Rockets fan, but I had never been before, so it was interesting to see. Danced at the party. I love a good dance party! Ate at IHOP until 3:00a.m. I've never had really such a fun New Year's event with such good friends, so even though the circumstances in my life surrounding it were bad, it was a good break and distraction. My brother and his sweet girlfriend came too, so it was fun to spend the New Year with my baby brother!

Hope y'all are doing well and sweet blessings upon you for this exciting new year!