So, everytime I go to church, God speaks through Matt (our pastor) in amazing ways that just somehow find me right where I'm at. God is beyond amazing like that.
Basically, Matt was preaching on how to have a true intimate relationship with Christ and not being content with the surface level spiritual life and relationships that are so easy to fall into, especially in the Bible Belt. And that means opening yourself up, becoming vulnerable, allowing God to break, mold and shape you. And not just half or part way - the whole way. And its hard and lonely there. Two years ago, while I was at Sky Ranch, I somewhat encountered an experience like this. It was so horrible but at the same time one of the sweetest times and the most abundant times I can remember. I learned a lot about myself in that time and enjoyed greater intimacy with the Father. And while it was so awful and so great, I am scared to go back to that place (not Sky Ranch - the "desert" as I like to call the spiritual place I was in). Walking into that desert is scary. Its lonely and its just you and God and dealing with a lot of things you knew you had to deal and a lot of things you didn't realize you had to deal with. So I can understand why a lot of "Christians" refuse to go there. But we need to go there - I need to go there again. Last time, I had the benefit of being discipled as I walked through it. And that was nice. But that is not an option right now, but I need to go there regardless. I desire that intimacy with God so much. I often feel like I try to wrestle with the struggles in my life with everyone and everything but God. Sometimes they are "easier" or more "istantaneous", but they are at best, a temporary analgesic. The truth might disappear for a short time, but it always comes back, and sometimes worse than before because its been artificially put off.
Anyways, another thing (kinda related to the above topic) is how much of a people-pleasing chameleon I am. Its fine to want to please and serve others, but it is unhealthy to take it to the extreme that I do. And I think I've been doing it so long, that others and myself have no clue that I'm doing it. I refuse to say what I think in many situations, although I have a way of diplomatically saying something to please others. Because I do talk a lot and give my "opinions", but sometimes they are not real at all. They are lies. I feel like I'm living a lie often just for the sake of staying in everyone's good graces b/c I cannot bear the thought of having conflict or confrontation occur. But those are the things that, approached in a healthy and loving way, can build deeper and more fulfilling relationships. There are very very few people I am truly myself with, and some of the people I "lie" to are people I consider close friends. I think maybe my brother, Chelsea, Jenni and maybe a few others know the me that isn't lying. Its not that I desire to lie to people. Not at all. I want to know people deeply and for them to know me deeply. But I live in such fear of being different that I too often camouflage who I really am. And unfortunately, its to my own detriment to do this. I shut out people and have very surface level relationships that are not fulfilling in any way. And some people have no idea that I do that. I hide that tendency well. To get this commitment to be more myself and less not myself/lying, here's a list of things I am that I sometimes try to hide from others in order to "fit in":
- I love all things pink and sparkly. Its true. I am girly in almost every sense of the word.
- Politically, I am probably on the more conservative side of moderate. I think George Bush is a great man to be admired, but has made some mistakes (although I think he bears the brunt of a lot of things that are not entirely under his control - he does have a cabinet that influences and advises him, folks). I stand on the conservative side on some issues and the liberal side on others. I avoid political discussions like the plague b/c I think it is silly when people get heated up and say mean things over politics, but don't mind having a nice discussion about it and agreeing to disagree.
- Christ is everything to me. And I believe nothing that has happened, is happening or will happen is apart from Him. I try to make decisions based on His guidance. Some of my actions may not make sense to those who aren't true believers (actively pursuing their faith and relationship with Christ) but please don't think I love you any less or am judging you because I act a certain way.
- I did not drink alcohol until I was 22. Not because I thought it was wrong, but because I had made a commitment to my sorority not to do so while I was an active member. And I've never been drunk. Yes, I do think being drunk is wrong and puts people in undesirable and unsafe situations. Despite the fact that I don't typically like the taste of alcohol and don't drink much at all, I don't think people are wrong for enjoying a good beer, wine, etc. in the company of friends or to help loosen up a little at the end of the day. However, abusing it, getting drunk, idolizing it, etc. are very wrong and it can put you and others at risk. Its a gift from God meant to be used in appropriate ways, like many other things that we have taken for granted and abuse.
- I am a virgin. I believe that sex is another gift from God that is for marriage only. Purity is of utmost importance to me and hate when people make fun of me for prioritizing that in my life. And not just physical purity - emotional, psychological, mental, spiritual, etc. purity too. I've somewhat compromised all of the those on some occassions and regret those occassions, but realize that they have shaped me and taught me about what purity is and is not in my life.
- One more thing for tonight - although I am earneslty and openly trying to be an independent, single woman with my very own identity, one of the very deepest desires of my heart is to be a wife and mother. There are a lot of things I would sacrifice just to have this. I am learning to enjoy my singlehood right now and be grateful for it, but I do often struggle and ache with it too. Honestly, I love planning my wedding. Hard thing to admit, but I do. I don't have anything set in stone, but I love brainstorming for it. I am learning that I sometimes do it to an unhealthy level that causes me to focus to much on the future and not enough on the beauty of the present, but also have asked God to help me with that struggle that I have. Most girls try to hide this struggle behind a facade of independence and self-sufficience (which, again are great things at healthy levels), but like my friend Jenni said, "Us single girls need a support and guidance group for this issue. Everyone tries to cover it up like it doesn't exist!" I know I'm not ready to be married at this point (although I do hope it comes soon...thats a not so secret wish of mine), but know that God has much work left to do on my heart to prepare me for marriage.
Okay, thats enough vulnerability for the evening. I am so tempted to erase all that because of what people might think or say about me, but know that is the exact antithesis of what God is challenging me to change in my life. Also, I don't say the things about not being drunk and being a virgin to claim some spiritual superiority over others. Thats not the case at all. I am just as broken and sinful as the next person. Those are just not sins I have fallen into. My struggles are different and while mentioning sins I haven't so much fallen into, I do mention sins that I have fallen into. "Morality" cannot be equated with sinlessness or righteousness.
Anyways, I am a sucker for comments (they excite me - nerdy, but true!), so leave one for me.
Also, I have a humorous story to share next time I post. You will laugh and fun will be had at Ella's and my expense, but whatever.
God bless and thanks for letting me be honest!
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